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PEN PAL

Submitted by Ruby Lord on Fri, 2023-12-08 10:53

I found myself a pen pal; he writes back once a week,
And we reveal our inner thoughts; his love, is so unique.
A lonely sort of fellow, but our future has been planned.
In his words, the tale unfolds, to make me understand.

He sent me a message and gave me the code to press,
When we connect, he speaks of love, and ends with a sweet caress.
The boyfriend before Ted, was jealous and controlling.
When I left him forever, the next would be consoling.

I sought another fella, one who’d treat me kind,
and send me longer verses, to terrify my mind.
Teddy waits alone; it suits me to the ground,
He’ll never kill me in my home nor in a lake will I be drowned.

I’m taking a long ride so we can meet at last,
I pray when it happens, he’ll forget his wicked past.
I read the news each day: police seek mortal remains,
But Teddy said it wasn’t him; outsourcing those he blames.

Like my daddy framed before him, Teddy cries every night,
But he will wait for me because the jury’s never right.
He swore his dying love, and I hold it in my heart,
When Teddy died by vicious hand; my world, it fell apart.

They said he was awake when his cell mate grew upset,
And Teddy fought the good fight on a half joint cigarette.
His cell mate is in hospital; I hope he’s getting better,
I imagine he’s like Teddy and would appreciate my letter.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Last few words: 
I saw a tweet that said, this is like one of those women who writes to a murderer in prison, and it got me thinking :)
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Fri, 2023-12-08 16:53

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "PEN PAL" is a narrative piece that tells a story of a woman and her relationship with a pen pal named Teddy. The poem's structure is consistent, maintaining a rhyme scheme throughout, which aids in the flow of the narrative.

However, the narrative could benefit from more clarity. The poem jumps from one event to another, making it difficult to follow the storyline. For instance, the transition from the protagonist leaving her previous boyfriend to finding Teddy is abrupt. Providing more context or a smoother transition could improve the narrative flow.

The poem also introduces several elements that could be further developed for a richer narrative. For example, the protagonist's father being framed is mentioned once but not explored further. This could be an interesting subplot to delve into, as it seems to parallel Teddy's situation.

The poem uses a mix of direct and indirect speech, which adds variety to the narrative. However, the indirect speech could be more effectively used to reveal character traits or advance the plot. For example, instead of stating that Teddy "speaks of love," the poem could provide a snippet of what Teddy says, giving readers a better sense of his character.

Lastly, the poem's tone seems to fluctuate between serious and light-hearted, which can be disorienting for the reader. Establishing a consistent tone could help set the mood of the poem and make the narrative more engaging.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Obadiah Grey

Fri, 2023-12-08 11:16

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heee hee. If ever I get banged up I would appreciate a letter from you, Ruby.
It would cheer me up no end.

Obi.

Ruby Lord

Fri, 2023-12-08 11:42

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Thanks Obi, it would be my pleasure to write to you, when you get banged up proper.
I used to write to my friends husband when he was posted abroad in Afghanistan and he said my letters were great. Mainly I took the piss out of his wife who I worked with but I remember enjoying writing those letters as I made so many outrageous statements about him and her and what was happening while he was away.
Thank you for reading and where have you been hiding?
Ruby :) xx

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

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Obadiah Grey

Fri, 2023-12-08 11:56

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I used to think that "taking the piss" was a uniquely British pursuit, but "Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown",

Pssssst, Last stanza is a belter luv !!

Obi.

Ruby Lord

Fri, 2023-12-08 12:11

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No, I think piss taking isn't unique to us, but we use a specialised format, pulling every strand until it snaps. Thank you Obi luv.
Ruby :) xx

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

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Candlewitch

Fri, 2023-12-08 14:57

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I think I need to do a few read-overs before I comment!

*love Cat
*
*(Later) I think your choice of Pen(no pun intended) Pals is just a wee bit dangerous, lol! I had a pen pal doing time in Minnesota's Still Water State Pen. So who am I to judge? Odd thing is we shared poetry. LOL! When he was released he went back down south to his family. I never heard from him again.

Your poem is a fun write, twisted but fun!
*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Ruby Lord

Sat, 2023-12-09 05:36

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Hi Cat, thank you for your comments, they made my morning here in a cold, wet and grey England. Did I tell you the English are obsessed with the weather ha ha.
I'm still working on it, tidying it up, and I'll amend it later.

I read about people who write to prisoners before I wrote this, it was revealing but I'm sure to some inmates it brings a sense of not being so isolated from the outside world and if that helps another human being then that's great.
You and your pen pal wrote poetry? That is amazing. We are more than our words, it's in the way we express ourselves that makes us more. Good on you for helping a person you never knew, you're a kind soul. Ruby :) xx

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

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Unca Fez

Tue, 2023-12-12 21:36

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What a unique way to court danger without really risking it. A fun read. Just curious; where did the idea for this come from?

Thanx,
Steve

Ruby Lord

Wed, 2023-12-13 05:44

Ruby Lord's picture

Hi Steve, thank you for your comment and question.
I have an account on X formerly known as Twitter, and one tweet I read said a recent government statement sounded like a letter to murderer locked up in prison for life. I researched the topic and came up with this poem. Glad you found it fun. Ruby :) xx

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

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Lavender

Tue, 2023-12-12 21:51

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Hello, Ruby,
A mix of chilling and intriguing all in one! That last line is wildly clever!
L

Ruby Lord

Wed, 2023-12-13 05:47

Ruby Lord's picture

Thanks Lavender, I'm pleased you found it chilling and intriguing and I'm glad you found the last line clever. It's not usual for me to be subtle ha ha. Ruby :) xx

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

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