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No One No Thing
When there’s no one there in the morning,
And no lips to kiss last at night.
When each day is old journey dawning,
Still darkness painful to sight.
With each moment spent in sadness,
And joy can no longer be heard.
When parting reaches madness,
And abandon leaves your eyes blurred.
When time trails slowly behind you,
And solitude gifts you deep dread.
And dreams or memories seep through,
To tie tangled thoughts in silk thread.
Now mornings have certain purpose,
And each day you wake to new light.
The moments adrift will resurface,
In joy of lost love feeling right.
When loneliness ceases to linger,
And each soul attempts a last trace.
The one you lost places finger,
And draws golden age on your face.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Last few words:
I want to show the progression of losing a loved one over time but I know it can take years and not a few stanzas. Because they are never really gone if we remember them.
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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United Kingdom
Favorite Poets
I like Margaret Atwoods poetry and I enjoy her writing. She has a natural ability to make her fiction read like poetry, if you read closely you will see it., I have a good understanding of the English language but I don't always follow the rules as I can be a little lazy and sometimes I'm just tired., I've been inspired reading the poetry on Neopoet and have enjoyed analysing other people's work.
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Comments
neopoet
Wed, 2024-07-17 17:40
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "No One No Thing" presents a vivid exploration of loneliness and the journey towards healing. The use of imagery and metaphor is effective in conveying the emotional landscape of the speaker. However, there are areas that could be improved for clarity and impact.
The poem's structure could benefit from more consistency. The first three stanzas follow a rhyme scheme of ABAB, but the fourth stanza deviates to AABB. Consistency in rhyme scheme can help provide a more rhythmic reading experience and a sense of cohesion.
The language and imagery are evocative, but at times, the meaning becomes obscured. For example, in the line "And abandon leaves your eyes blurred," the use of "abandon" is unclear. If it is intended to mean abandonment, consider revising for clarity.
The transition from despair to hope in the last two stanzas is a powerful turn, but it could be more effectively built up. The sudden shift from "solitude gifts you deep dread" to "mornings have certain purpose" may be jarring for readers. Consider adding transitional elements to smooth this progression.
Lastly, the poem could benefit from more specific imagery. While the metaphors are compelling, they are also quite general. Specific, concrete details can help readers connect more deeply with the poem's themes and emotions. For example, instead of "When time trails slowly behind you," consider describing a specific scene or moment that embodies this feeling of time dragging.
Overall, the poem shows promise in its exploration of complex emotions. With some revisions for clarity, consistency, and specificity, it could be even more impactful.
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Lavender
Thu, 2024-07-18 07:24
No One No Thing
Hello, Ruby,
You've hit so many phases of grief with this, and there is beautiful language throughout, but the image of dreams and memories tying tangled thoughts in silk thread is vivid and profound.
Thank you!
L
Ruby Lord
Thu, 2024-07-18 10:45
Thank you Lavender. I often
Thank you Lavender. I often think my melancholy goes too far so I'm pleased that you found the positives in my choice of words. Thank you for reading and commenting. Ruby :) xx
Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.
author commentCandlewitch
Thu, 2024-07-18 09:06
Dear Ruby,
I agree completely with Lavender. I think she has covered it... I have had several losses in my long lifetime. It is never easy, but over time, the ghosts get quieter, gentler. I love what you have poured from your heart onto the page...all of it.
*hugs & love, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Ruby Lord
Thu, 2024-07-18 10:48
Thank you Cat for reading and
Thank you Cat for reading and commenting. It always makes me feel supported here and brings me a sense of being accepted through thick and thin. Ruby :) xx
Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.
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