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NEXT GEN MYPHONE

Scratched mirror imperfection, pings notice of infection,
Covid, Beta, Alpha, Gammon, disease failed inspection.
A parasite, what have we done, nothing to savour.
Try a farm grown salmon with lice, added protein and flavour.

Pond life, the heat of the ground the dirt on your tail
The scum of the earth, breathe deep and… exhale.
Whale death on a beach the lost gifted tune
The song that you sing to make you gastro immune.

Stinking like shit, everyone does, when they go to the pit.
As funeral trial they add lime to dry out your spit.
It’s never too late to learn what you’ve lost
So carry on shopping, don’t worry of cost.

Next generation no time for white hair
They’re walking dead, another nightmare.
If we don’t buy what they’re selling
No point complaining or yelling

All that glitters isn’t gold
All that dies isn’t cold
And the people too sick to grow old
Dirt in the end will make our mould.

Economically unviable, toothless and useless
A mirror cracked screen, seducing you ruthless
Fat lips and a pout, you’re worth it, no you’re not
Your snout in the trough, a world too damn hot.

Can you see it, feel it, taste it and smell it,
To waste it and fuck it and buy it to sell it.
Remember the days when they didn’t tell lies
There long-gone sir, it’s deep in their eyes.

Back to my room and hide it in the dark,
As greedy politician’s about to embark.
In the stench of my cupboard,
Hidden humanity and my hoard smothered.

Soiled bed linen and sweat smelling clothes,
Everyone raging and spouting death oaths.
But nothing is working power has gone
We ignored lessons of wind and the sun

The water won’t last, you’re drinking too fast, dying of thirst, dying for knowledge, dying to live,
dying to die, of the unknown, unseen, unloved and unwanted.

And daily life battles,
Amid human life rattles,
Death’s song bleating,
Right after a beating.

Fractured glass and a slash,
At the wrist holding cash.
Our brains for gain to teach a programme,
Who’ll use us as fodder, the new anagram.

To learn from the questions, we give it
And sell our knowledge to profit
Unintended consequences of computer ranks
They won’t pay for your brains but stroke your ego with thanks

Take a picture on a broken screen and send it to yourself
Before you hide in the cupboard, under the shelf.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
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How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I've reformated this poem in the hope it makes a difference for the reader. This poem is about all the not so good things in the world. Sorry I know I'm morose and miserable mostly. Capitalism and climate change go hand in hand in our planets destruction and it worries me. Also as I'm trying to expand my poetic rhythm I've used a mixture of rhyme and free verse in this piece. I'd like to know if it works and if the poem moved fast because of the free verse? What did you think of the themes, the rhythm and the language, did I lose you anywhere?
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Explicit Content
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Comments

The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "NEXT GEN MYPHONE" presents a bleak and cynical view of modern society and technology, with a focus on the negative consequences of our obsession with consumption and convenience. The language is raw and confrontational, with vivid descriptions of decay, death, and decay.

One suggested line edit would be to revise the line "Covid, Beta, Alpha, Gammon, disease of failed inspection" to "Covid, Beta, Alpha, Gamma, diseases of failed inspection." This change would correct the misspelling of the word "Gamma" and improve the flow of the line.

Overall, the poem effectively captures a sense of despair and futility, but the language can be at times repetitive or overly graphic, which may detract from the impact of the message. The poem also lacks clear structure or progression, making it difficult to follow a narrative or thematic arc. However, the rawness and honesty of the language does create a sense of urgency and authenticity, and the poem succeeds in challenging readers to reflect on their own complicity in the problems it exposes.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Thanks Bot, you're just annoyed because I mentioned you in there aren't you? Come on tell the truth and shame the devil, ha ha.

And Gammon is a term applied to a particular political class/group of people in England, not a spelling mistake but I can see your point.

Thank you for your input :)

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

author comment

Thank you Ekaterina, I appreicate your comments. Bolsonaro is gone, that's good, now all we have to do is get rid of the ones runining our chances and country here. We can hope.

Yes if we look for beauty we can find it but it's bloody miserable here today, raining, cold and dull. Oh well there's always tomorrow. :) Take care x

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

author comment
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