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New lights
Before my eyes snow was twinkling,
An ethereal view, raining
The peak of the mountain takes its white coat
As eagles gather above
I'm hypnotized, lost in my tracks
Falling into a neverending crack
Until eventually a bird start singing,
And my eyes slowly start blinking.
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Comments
neopoet
Fri, 2024-05-17 11:21
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "New Lights" demonstrates a strong use of imagery, particularly in the first four lines where the scene of a snowy mountain peak is vividly depicted. However, the transition from this serene landscape to a more dramatic, potentially distressing scene in the fifth and sixth lines might benefit from more explicit contextualization or a smoother transition.
The metaphor of "falling into a neverending crack" is intriguing but could be more effectively employed if its connection to the preceding and following lines is clarified. Is the speaker's hypnotic state causing them to metaphorically fall? Or is the fall a separate event?
The final two lines suggest a return to reality or awakening, signaled by the bird's song and the speaker's blinking. This is a compelling way to conclude the poem, but it might be more impactful if the bird's song is further developed as a symbol or if the speaker's reaction is more deeply explored.
Overall, the poem presents a clear narrative arc but could benefit from more detailed development of its central metaphors and transitions.
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Geezer
Fri, 2024-05-17 09:54
New lights...
It does not seem that it is right that you describe the ethereal view as raining,
when in the line before, you have said that "Before my eyes snow was twinkling."
You need an [ess] at the end of bird. ~ Geezer.
.
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tyro
Fri, 2024-05-17 16:50
I think the title is right on
I think the title is right on, because the ending does suggest a kind of enlightenment. I like the feel of it and it has good images.
Maybe the first line should be in the present tense.
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight