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Navigators

Submitted by Michael Anthony on Thu, 2023-07-27 09:46

A friend of mine recently broke up
with his girlfriend of many years.
She had a young son when they met.

He had become a loving father to the boy.
But the boy’s mother, as it turned out,
was never really in the relationship
for the long term; other reasons it seemed.

I visit him at his place of work
where people who collect things frequent.
Lately, we haven’t spoken of such affairs,
or the ephemera for sale there.

He talks to me of his deep sadness
at not being able to see her son again.
Her terms of leaving absolute, harsh.

I consider another topic
as a brief distraction
from his isolation and hurt.

I tell him I understand loneliness
sometimes visits in different ways,
and update him on my condition.

My body at war within itself
as I sit in a medical center
with tubes in my arms. A solitary struggle
no matter how many people are near.

No longer alone in our thoughts,
the conversation turns to lighter themes
as we navigate our damages
with makeshift patches for temporary repairs.

Review Request (Intensity):

I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Last few words:

Thinking about loneliness in all its forms.

Editing stage:

Editing - polished draft

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Thu, 2023-07-27 15:50

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Navigators" effectively communicates a narrative of loss and loneliness, using the personal experiences of two individuals to explore these themes. The structure of the poem, with its clear progression from the introduction of the friend's situation to the speaker's own experiences, helps to create a sense of continuity and connection between the two characters.

However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent use of imagery and metaphor. For example, the metaphor of "navigating damages" in the last line is powerful and evocative, but it appears somewhat abruptly, as there is little nautical or navigational imagery elsewhere in the poem. Developing this metaphor throughout the poem could enhance its overall impact.

Additionally, the poem might be more effective if it delved deeper into the emotions of the characters. While the speaker mentions the friend's "deep sadness" and their own "loneliness," these feelings are largely told rather than shown. Using more descriptive language to convey these emotions could make the poem more engaging and emotionally resonant.

Lastly, the poem's rhythm and meter could be more consistent. The varying line lengths and irregular meter can make the poem feel somewhat disjointed. Establishing a more regular rhythm could help to create a smoother reading experience.

In conclusion, while "Navigators" effectively communicates its themes of loss and loneliness, it could be improved by developing its use of metaphor, delving deeper into the characters' emotions, and establishing a more consistent rhythm.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Thu, 2023-07-27 10:50

A good message...

We are all on this journey together, we just get off at different stops. [Sometimes a bunch of us all get off at the same time, but don't know each other] however, that is a story for another time. Yes, I like the title, it alludes to a journey that sometimes
enables fellow travelers to navigate this life with companions. As I have said, a good message that translates to a good theme. I followed the story easily, which makes it a smooth piece from beginning to end. Well done! ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Michael Anthony

Sat, 2023-07-29 10:48

Thanks geez! Would like to

Thanks geez! Would like to see your "story for another time" as well. Perhaps a prompt???

Best

Michael Anthony

author comment

Geezer

Sat, 2023-07-29 11:14

I was thinking of...

an accident where a bunch of people [strangers or passing acquaintances], are almost killed, and they are changed by it.
Just a half-formed idea. Maybe we can come up with a prompt? ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Lavender

Thu, 2023-07-27 14:39

Navigators

Hello, Michael,
This is what we truly do - navigate through life's trials. Most times alone, but sometimes we are fortunate to journey along with a companion or friend. Excellent title. A theme that relates to all of us, and your poem feels inclusive of the feelings we all have at times.
Thank you,
L

Michael Anthony

Sat, 2023-07-29 10:49

Yep, navigating our trials

Yep, navigating our trials with the help of others is what I was trying to convey, so looks like this may have worked - thank you!

Best

Michael Anthony

author comment

Neopoet

Navigators