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Magic Trick
You are dissolving
Before my eyes
Like a magic trick
that has gone horribly wrong
Soon you will have disappeared
Into the open atmosphere
And I’ll be left standing alone
In front of the empty space
Where you used to be
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Indiana
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Comments
Kailashana2
Tue, 2012-03-27 14:47
Bravo!
Bravo!
A very very insightful and wonderful poem. Forgive me for saying this, but you're so young, you must be a rainbow child. I'll be reading your poetry as this one as made me a fan of yours.
~A
AnnaNJ
Fri, 2012-03-30 13:13
Thank you so much. Your
Thank you so much. Your comment means a lot to me. I'm new to poetry and I didn't have a lot of confidence coming into it, but your encouragement has given me the boost I need.
author commentEduardo Cruz
Tue, 2012-03-27 15:05
AnnaNJ,
I like the progression of life to death here, like a magic trick were the magician forgot the escape hatch.
the rymthm of it is almost musical. thanks for sharing your pain of loss.
Welcome to Neopoet!
I can't wait to read more of your heart felt poetry.
Very nicely done, Bravisima!
Eddie
...
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
AnnaNJ
Fri, 2012-03-30 13:14
Thank you. These positive
Thank you. These positive comments have made me feel so much more secure in my writing.
author commentEduardo Cruz
Tue, 2012-03-27 15:07
AnnaNJ,
I like the progression of life to death here, like a magic trick were the magician forgot the escape hatch.
the rymthm of it is almost musical. thanks for sharing your pain of loss.
Welcome to Neopoet!
I can't wait to read more of your heart felt poetry.
Very nicely done, Bravisima!
Eddie
...
sorry double post, it happens sometimes.
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
China Blue
Tue, 2012-03-27 19:59
Anna NJ
I see it as a relationship dissolving before your eyes. Now that is a good piece of writing when the reader is able to see different scenarios and interpretations
Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)
AnnaNJ
Fri, 2012-03-30 13:14
You're very right. That's
You're very right. That's exactly how I was feeling when I wrote this piece.
author commentweirdelf
Wed, 2012-03-28 00:01
Must disagree with the previous comments
the simile
"Like a magic trick
that has gone horribly wrong"
is a very good one. The rest is ordinary language of the old old tale of love lost.
There is honesty and clarity, but that does not make good poetry make.
Read more poetry, your profile says nothing but I bet you don't read poetry. Read some really good stuff and see what can be achieved.
I am sure you can do better.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
AnnaNJ
Fri, 2012-03-30 13:18
Thank you. And you're right,
Thank you. And you're right, this isn't a romantic poem. It was actually about my older brother and our once-close relationship deteriorating. I'm glad that someone understands that it is not a poem about romantic love lost. None of the poems that I have written so far are about that because I haven't experienced it. Thank you for the words of encouragement!
author commentAnnaNJ
Fri, 2012-03-30 13:19
Thanks for the constructive
Thanks for the constructive criticism. You're right. I don't read a lot of poetry because I have no idea where to start. I want to find some that is simple and clear but that I can relate to. If you have any suggestions please let me know!
author commentAnnaNJ
Fri, 2012-03-30 13:22
The one about constructive
The one about constructive criticism is meant for @weirdelf. I'm still new to the website so I don't know how to delete comments. Oops.
author commentweirdelf
Tue, 2012-04-03 01:50
Fuck, you're good Beau!
I'm so glad you are here to perceive beyond my clumsy ineptitude. (I'm not being sarcastic, I mean it)
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Eduardo Cruz
Wed, 2012-03-28 10:02
I think this is about death,
I think this is about death, someone who ill and head in the direction that we all which not to go or even for our loved ones. Unfortunatly it happens.
these two lines are what make me believe it is death.
"Soon you will have disappeared
Into the open atmosphere"
They seem to refer to the sky or heaven.
Eddie
...
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
AnnaNJ
Fri, 2012-03-30 13:23
I could see where you would
I could see where you would get that impression. Even though that's not what I intended when writing, I like my poetry to have different interpretations for different people.
author commentKailashana2
Wed, 2012-03-28 10:15
"I'm sure you can do better."
"I'm sure you can do better." Jess, I'll hand the talking stick back to you. After you've written better poetry.
~A
weirdelf
Fri, 2012-03-30 15:28
.
.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Nordic cloud
Wed, 2012-03-28 10:30
This was so exciting, the
This was so exciting, the concept of the empty space
where someone used to be
being so strong an image of that space.
The whole poem is visually exciting,
we can see it so well.
Well done.
Nordic cloud.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
AnnaNJ
Fri, 2012-03-30 13:24
Thank you so much! I'm glad
Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed it and I hope to add more poetry to make work and take a look at others' as well.
author commentCandlewitch
Wed, 2012-03-28 11:21
Hello Anna,
Again, welcome to neopoet! Great title! Good flow progression from line to next. I like the subject matter. Favorite lines:
Soon you will have disappeared
Into the open atmosphere
And I’ll be left standing alone
In front of the empty space
Where you used to be
always, Cat (& eddy)
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
AnnaNJ
Fri, 2012-03-30 13:25
Thank you! I feel welcome
Thank you! I feel welcome already!
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