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Artist

Submitted by AnnaNJ on Fri, 2012-05-04 13:17

You are an artist.
You effortlessly sing a song of a new life,
each verse sounding clearer than the last
until you reach the closing chorus
without mentioning my name.

You eloquently tell a story
laced with characters I'll never know.
Swiftly moving from one chapter to the next
with the happy ending you've always wanted.

You paint a picture of the future,
colorful and bright,
but no matter how hard you try,
even your expert hands
can't find a way to fit me in.

And it seems that your vision has changed
and I can't interpret it
so that it can make sense
So I leave you behind
just as you did, me.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Ian.T

Wed, 2012-05-09 04:08

Ian.T's picture
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A story without rhyme, a feeling of not being seen.
A cry from a young heart to someone out there to care.
Then to see that your words are heart felt.
Have a look at the whole thing, it can be very good, the theme is solid.
Relax to singing even in bad times then read the words as we do.
I will see what you do with this one later, Yours, Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

AnnaNJ

Wed, 2012-05-09 22:50

AnnaNJ's picture

Thanks so much for the comment. I haven't been getting as many as when I first started posting on here and it makes me nervous so it means a lot. And I'll definitely be working on it.

author comment

Ian.T

Thu, 2012-05-10 03:15

Ian.T's picture
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I have been on this site long before and left clearing out all my words for a few weeks now am here again.
I had at one time around 200 pieces on Neo, the comments on many pieces would sometimes be only two or three, before they use to have a counter that told you how many people had read your poem or been on that piece.
When they reached 60 as they did I would copy them into a book type form as I would then think they were OK..
Now you only see the comments and it is normal here that not many people comment on others works.
I ask you how many you comment on have I seen your comments on my pieces ??? You see it works many ways, I work the Undiscovered poems place and try to remove all the poems without comments there, if only poets here would receive as many as they give to others then this would enhance this site. Sometimes I will take a piece such as this one and rewrite it and PM it to the member as a help if that is the correct thing to say lol.
But please don't lose hope that people don't read they do but are just damn lazy, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

AnnaNJ

Sun, 2012-05-13 09:12

AnnaNJ's picture

haha thanks. I never thought of it like that.

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