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A LOVE LETTER TO THE SKY

I long to stroke the silence, cloaking earths curve,
My hand I stretch to reach you, straining every nerve.
In caress and cruelty, you fade and rise each day,
My love cries to celebrate, your celestial display.

The time you’re with me, riffling my every thought,
As colour fades, you expand, now I’m forever caught.
By tiny pricks of light please show me I am here,
In curve of lover’s smile, gentle shadows appear.

The darkness of your reach, hides me in solemn peace,
As I embrace Hypnos gaze, to rise on day’s release.
I scrambled through tangled haze, of imperfect order,
To dissect meaning, from my memory’s recorder.

Come to me hidden, taste my cold and dimpled flesh,
Shroud me in a shapeless coat, my madness I confess.
Helpless and hollow, I’m absent by your mystery,
On each return, you persist, older than our history.

Careless covers lifted, from my rested frame,
My arms reach out desirous, to join you once again.
The frenzy in your kisses, floods the morning breeze,
on sight of ritual burning, your fire I must seize.

The wonder shines concealed, to hold me in the quiet,
In your touch, path returns, fuelling nature’s riot.
Come to me again when blue sky has turned to night,
Stain my skin with charcoal, my dreams you will ignite.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I've worked the meter a little as I'm hoping to improve on the rhythm of the poem? I don't know if I have the right idea here for the challenge. I'd be grateful for any feedback as I'm doubting this as a poem. Is it self explanatory or is it just a jumble of words without true meaning? Ruby :)
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem exhibits a strong command of language and a clear understanding of how to use imagery and metaphor to create a vivid, emotional landscape. The use of personification to describe the sky is particularly effective, imbuing it with human-like qualities that make the relationship between the speaker and the sky feel deeply personal and intimate.

However, there are some areas that could be improved. The poem's rhythm and meter are inconsistent, which can disrupt the reader's flow. For example, the second line of the first stanza has a different rhythm than the rest of the stanza. This inconsistency can be jarring and distract from the poem's overall message.

The poem also uses a lot of abstract language, which can sometimes make it difficult for the reader to understand what is being conveyed. For example, phrases like "imperfect order" and "memory's recorder" are somewhat ambiguous and may confuse readers.

The poem could also benefit from more concrete imagery. While the poem does a good job of describing the sky and the speaker's feelings towards it, it could be even more powerful if it included more specific, tangible details. For example, instead of saying "your tiny pricks of light shine," the poem could describe specific stars or constellations.

Finally, the poem's themes could be developed more fully. The poem seems to be exploring ideas about love, longing, and the passage of time, but these themes are not fully fleshed out. The poem could delve deeper into these themes, perhaps by exploring why the speaker feels such a strong connection to the sky or how their relationship with the sky has evolved over time.

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I loved your poem. I believe that the first stanza captures
the very essence of the poem.
Great job.

Thank you Clentin, for the read and your comments. It wasn't an easy one to write, but I do feel as if I have been rewarded. Ruby :) x

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

author comment

I think you embraced the challenge well! I love how it begins as a gentle descent and meeting with the sky and its elements and then taps into the raw emotions of love. The imagery was clear and followed the theme of the poem. The flow was consistent and appropriate for the content. The fourth stanza was my favorite. I couldn't just choose one or two lines. There is a longing for love and touch within your words that pulls at the reader. Well done

~RoseBlack~

Hi RoseBlack, thank you for the read and for your comments. I can understand why you picked the fourth stanza as your favourite, I think it suits your nature and to be fair, mine too. It was a hard one to write for hundreds of reasons. Much appreciate your comments and time. Ruby :) x

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

author comment

Hello, Ruby,
Love letters (and poems) are extremely hard to write in a sincere, honest fashion with integrity. They are not successful unless the writer is absolutely vulnerable. I suppose as someone reads the letter or poem, they may even feel they are intruding into the writer's most personal feelings and thoughts. "The warmth of your kiss floods the morning breeze." I think that is pure love for the sky, and pure poetry. I sure hope you don't truly feel that this may be a "jumble of words" - some of your language brings tears to my eyes! Beautiful!
L

Hi Lavender, thnak you for the read and your comments. I always enjoy reading your comments, they give me tiny clues to the person I imagine you to be :) I was quite anxious about posting this one as, a love letter is always going to be personal because it leaves us feeling vulnerable? I love the way I can move you emotionally with my words even when they leave me feeling like an absolute car crash. Ruby :) x

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

author comment

Howdy Ruby. Great poem, I agree that a "Love letter to the sky" is not an easy subject.

I think I'll give it a try and see what happens. Nice job!. - Will

Hi Will, I'm looking forward to reading your poem when you write it, I'm interested to learn how you will approach it. Thank you for the read and your comments, they are much appreciated. Ruby :) x

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

author comment
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