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A LAST GOODBYE

Submitted by Ruby Lord on Tue, 2023-09-19 14:10

Long teeth and sour snort, a mumble as he creeps.
Her eyes no longer open, forever visions as she sleeps.
And darkness closes round her, touching deep her bones,
A cold gulp of the reaper, hunting what he owns.

Her heart it beats so slowly, blood travels without haste,
Her lips are blue and thin, as he savours her to taste.
Her lids flutter frailly, you sense he’ll soon collect,
She takes a turn for the worse, what did you expect?

Breathing from her stomach, all thoughts dissipate,
And her mind has left, a last sigh, a memory of late?
Her hands relaxed sombre, her face like a young girl,
Her spirit rises slowly, it exits in a swirl.

You sit and cry with family, your loved one has fled,
She’s cold at peace forever still, lying in her bed.
You gather round to kiss her cheek, for a last time,
The clock maintains its rhythm, gentle bells chime.

Goodbyes are the toughest, they’re the hardest part of pain,
For parents, spouse and children, their memories remain.
But grief goes on forever, and the loss it clasps you tight,
Hold your love, be assured the dead watch over you at night.

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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neopoet

Tue, 2023-09-19 20:11

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem, "A Last Goodbye," uses vivid and emotive language to depict the process of death and the subsequent grief. It is a poignant exploration of a universal human experience, and it effectively conveys the sense of loss and sorrow that accompanies the death of a loved one.

The poem's structure is consistent, with four lines per stanza and a regular rhyme scheme, which contributes to the overall rhythm and flow of the piece. However, the rhythm is occasionally disrupted by lines of varying length and syllable count. For example, the line "Her heart it beats so slowly, blood travels without haste," is longer than the other lines in the same stanza, which can disrupt the reader's rhythm. Consider revising these lines to maintain a consistent rhythm throughout the poem.

The use of imagery in this poem is particularly striking. Phrases such as "darkness closes round her, touching deep her bones," and "Her spirit rises slowly, it exits in a swirl," create vivid mental pictures that enhance the emotional impact of the poem. However, some of the imagery, such as "long teeth and sour snort," may be too abstract or confusing for some readers. Consider revising these lines to make the imagery clearer and more accessible.

The poem's tone is appropriately somber and reflective, fitting the serious subject matter. However, the final line, "Hold your love, be assured the dead watch over you at night," introduces a comforting or reassuring note that seems somewhat at odds with the rest of the poem. Consider revising this line to maintain a consistent tone throughout the poem.

In terms of language, the poem uses a mix of simple and complex vocabulary. While this can add depth and richness to the poem, some of the word choices may be too complex or obscure for some readers. Consider revising these lines to make the poem more accessible to a wider audience.

Overall, "A Last Goodbye" is a powerful exploration of death and grief, with effective use of imagery and a consistent structure. However, the poem could be improved by maintaining a consistent rhythm and tone, clarifying some of the imagery, and simplifying some of the language.

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