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THE LAST DANCE

Submitted by Ruby Lord on Wed, 2023-06-21 08:14

I danced proudly with her, on that special day.
We waltzed, she points her foot to the music, and we sway.
The dress she wore, it clings to me, with memories of our love,
Red, it flashes elegant, I hold her image in my hand, as a glove.

On honeymoon by the sea, the stars shine bright for me,
While the moon and her orchestra, play a lunar rhapsody.
My love sails in the sand, to cup her instep and her toes,
Her grace and my desire, she wears the red dress that I chose.

An evening plane took us back, people spoke of their concern,
Our journey home became at once, a tense and anxious return.
She couldn’t breathe, she was weak, her colour pale and sickly,
I took her to the hospital, her demise, it happened all too quickly.

In my fear and panic I raced to be with her once more,
But she left without me, and they stopped me at the door.
My mind inhales her rhythm, and my sadness haunts our space,
Her funeral was too early, it was not her time nor place.

Now the truth is out, it’s harsh, to see them dance upon her grave,
Government disobeys the rules, they had fun, they are depraved.
Many people died and suffered, caused by political inaction,
The ministry fails again, as they view us now as mere distraction.

Review Request (Intensity): 
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Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
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Last few words: 
Here in England the ex-PM, Johnson has been found guilty of misleading parliament five times with reference to illegal parties held during Covid lockdowns in the country. As a result of the revelations, we have had a video of a group of people, who are/were associated with Johnson’s govt with two of them being given in his retirement honours. The video shows a couple dancing at such a party. I used this video to tell the story of how people in this country had their lives ruined while our govt. partied and did what they wanted behind closed doors.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Wed, 2023-06-21 14:20

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

Title: THE LAST DANCE

Feedback:

1. Imagery: The poem effectively uses imagery to convey emotions and set the scene. For example, "We waltzed, she points her foot to the music, and we sway" and "the stars shine bright for me, while the moon and her orchestra, play a lunar rhapsody" create vivid mental pictures for the reader. Consider using more consistent imagery throughout the poem to strengthen the overall impact.

2. Rhyme and rhythm: The poem follows an AABB rhyme scheme, which provides a sense of structure and flow. However, some lines have an inconsistent rhythm, which can disrupt the reading experience. For example, "Her grace and my desire, she wears the red dress that I chose" has a different rhythm compared to the previous lines. To improve the poem's rhythm, consider revising lines to have a more consistent syllable count and stress pattern.

3. Tone shift: The poem begins with a romantic and nostalgic tone, but shifts to a more political and critical tone in the last two stanzas. While this shift is unexpected, it adds depth to the poem by connecting personal loss to broader societal issues. To enhance this connection, consider incorporating more subtle hints of the political theme earlier in the poem.

4. Clarity: Some lines may be difficult for readers to understand without further context. For example, "Government disobeys the rules, they had fun, they are depraved" could be clarified by providing more specific examples of the government's actions. Additionally, consider revising "The ministry fails again, as they view us now as mere distraction" to more clearly convey how the government's failure impacts the speaker and their loved ones.

Overall, the poem effectively uses imagery and a unique tone shift to convey a powerful message about personal loss and political inaction. By addressing the suggested revisions, the poem's rhythm, clarity, and overall impact can be strengthened.

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