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KEEP SHOPPING

Submitted by Ruby Lord on Sat, 2023-10-28 09:02

PICK UP WHERE YOU LEFT OFF, you know it makes sense,
Send us all your money, every note and pound and pence.
BUY IT AGAIN, we know you bought it once, how about two,
Buy them all, is what we would like you all to do.

YOU MIGHT BE LOOKING FOR, perhaps we missed a trick,
To blind you with special offers, and incentivise you quick.
Keep clicking YOU MAY ALSO LIKE, you’ll find it eventually,
Need more crap, now you’re trapped, no way to become free.

Here are MORE ITEMS RELATED TO WHAT YOU’VE VIEWED,
If they’re not up to scratch don’t phone us and be rude.
We don’t listen anyway, our staff’s wages are mere pittance,
They’ll tempt you with a code, to ensure you make a remittance.

We analyse your history to come up with more suggestions,
We hope you didn’t notice and you won’t ask us questions.
But if this realisation chokes, and takes away your breath,
We are here forever, collecting payments after death.

There’s MORE TO DISCOVER, shit you’ve never even thought,
Of everything you want, we save a record of all you bought.
YOUR BROWSING HISTORY is a tool, but will it tell a lie?
There’re bargains here to purchase, we are the main supply.

Perhaps we can tempt you, we offer special ways to buy,
You can get it straight away, you’re just that sort of guy.
We gave all you wanted, to escape us, you will never,
Impatient and imperfect, choices trap you here forever.

Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
Last few words: 
After buying the usual things from the most well known internet retail provider this week, I thought about how the company has invaded and manipulated us to use them as our go to shopping experience. I find it irritating but also convenient. The words capitalised, I've taken directly from my login page when I am on the site. I'd be grateful for any comments where I've made obvious mistakes. Today isn't an obvious day for me. Ruby :) Revised as I saw a repetition of one line of text. :(
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
Opt-in: Neopoet AI will critique your poem.

Comments

neopoet

Sat, 2023-10-28 15:03

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem effectively uses satire to critique consumer culture and the tactics used by companies to encourage constant purchasing. The repetition of phrases commonly seen in online shopping, such as "Buy it again," "You might be looking for," and "More items related to what you've viewed," underscores the relentlessness of these marketing strategies.

However, the poem could benefit from more varied sentence structure and rhythm to create a more engaging reading experience. The current structure is quite repetitive, which may be intentional to mirror the repetitive nature of consumerism, but it also risks losing the reader's interest.

The poem also tends to tell rather than show. For instance, the line "We analyse your history to come up with more suggestions," explicitly states what companies do, but it could be more powerful to show this through specific examples or imagery.

The language used is quite informal and conversational, which fits the satirical tone. However, some phrases, such as "shit you've never even thought," may be off-putting to some readers. Consider whether this language is necessary for the poem's message, or if it could be replaced with more creative or subtle language.

Finally, the poem's message about the traps of consumerism is clear, but it could be deepened by exploring why people fall into these traps or the effects of this on individuals or society. This could add another layer of complexity and make the poem more thought-provoking.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Lavender

Mon, 2023-10-30 10:54

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Hello, Ruby,
I'm not big on shopping online, but I know convenience is the biggest asset. The whole thing gives me the heebie jeebies, though. I like your title. I might be tempted to leave off the "FOR." I really like the sassy style in the language, you may want to make it even sassier! :) A great poem about who we are now, and defines our living style.
Thank you!
L

Ruby Lord

Tue, 2023-10-31 06:32

Ruby Lord's picture

Thank you Lavender for the read and your comments. I think you're right about the title, so I'll drop the FOR. I have to let it sit for a while to simmer in my brain. I may tighten the language and work on the rhythm a bit more at some point in the future?
Thank you for your feedback, Ruby :) xx

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

author comment

William Lynn

Mon, 2023-10-30 11:59

William Lynn's picture

Hi Ruby,

You nailed it!

I really enjoyed the poem and, unfortunately, I'm off to spend some more money on a deal I can't refuse.
Thanks, Will

Ruby Lord

Tue, 2023-10-31 06:36

Ruby Lord's picture

Thnak you William. As I use this online shop a lot I considered how much it influences our purchases and what it does to our hight streets. I also conisdered how the company has shaped us and changed our habits so we are no longer interacting with other people :(
I'm waiting for my delivery this morning, not from the supplier above, but they are quite popular here. Ruby :)

Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.

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