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JIPPERZ

Submitted by Esker on Fri, 2015-11-13 09:49

candy floss
the glitter gloss
like poison in its glass
she swallows the pills
feels her soul gasp
shudders her heart
feelings life pass
she walks her runway
green eyes mean
she drives too fast
in her lovers machine
Dolce Gabbana
and internet love
in the blackness of
ravens
she gives like a Dove

..

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Geezer

Fri, 2015-11-13 19:52

Geezer's picture
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I hesitate to make any effort to critique your work, because they are as a rule quite enigmatic and open to interpretation by the reader, I feel confident enough with this one, to make a couple of suggestions. Nothing much to change here, but I would leave off the [s] on feel[s] and I would change the word [gives] in the last line to something like: flies or lives, although I like [coos] better
because she doesn't seem like she lives like a dove. It's nice to see you using rhyme and I'm glad that you are experimenting with it. very nice work! ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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Esker

Mon, 2015-11-16 00:32

Esker's picture

gives only thing Im sticking with...
because saw women give men everything
take everything
give..heavy on that
chances..take backs
and they were dove like
angelic
halos.
propping up the rather
sad figures they believed in
although the men had drives
or drive..

coos..is more a match
like man wife
the ones Im referring too
and U are right about the
sarcastic wit in this
its about imballance
thus the impertinence
to substnace to keep
going.
although some women
just lived on the fuel of
emotion...they were pure
they didnt need drinks
coke heroin or nothing
met a few
they rarely cried too
although most others
were weepers..

feelings....
outpour
rather then feel
intake
inward

but to make it a more palpable read
I can see changes as thus
good one!!

thank U for this

will return...

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