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SHEEN

Submitted by Esker on Wed, 2017-06-14 18:13

The Barbers shop
that water slick look
the jars of green antiseptic with combs
wind just trimming the awnings
edges like the laundry on the
cranky wheels
the chrome of the hardtops
gleaming like winter on the
ice...the crystalline memory
of it falling back like snapshots
stuttering
the wheel and the heat
from the projector
the radio
was heavy
with wild winded revelry
the fans metal head
swiveled side to side
tilted like a sunflower

i took my dime
and dialed a number
waiting for her voice
on the other end
in the sky
a small little moon
shone down

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Eumolpus

Wed, 2017-06-14 22:05

Eumolpus's picture

My feeling is we have 2 distinct and excellent poems here. The first poem, ends at sunflower. The only word I would look at is "reminded" The painting you made of the barber shop, that green goo they used in my hair, the whole scene is could not be more perfect. I love the idea of ending with the fan tilting like a sunflower, good poetry!
The second really good poem is

i took my dime
and dialed a number
waiting for her voice
on the other end
in the sky
a small little moon
shone down

like a haiku, has tons of stuff in it. tight, concise. A super poem!

In the middle is "come frost" which to me doesn't fit either.

I do not see the two poems connected,I don't thing they have to be. Each is really a jem.

Hope you don't mind me sayin', I just get very excited about things like this.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Esker

Wed, 2017-06-14 23:20

Esker's picture

reminded is stale...How to make the entrance
from title to poem...
it does grueling start
its not a reminded thing now
just is....good point!

come frost
a cliche..
good eye on this

author comment

Geezer

Sun, 2019-02-24 16:25

Geezer's picture
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to a barbershop that my grandmother took me to when I got my first "grown-up" haircut. Before that, it was all home cuts. I remember the green, watery, after shave stuff, that he sprayed on the back of my neck when he was all done and then wiped my neck and ears to get rid of the cut hair. ~ Gee.
.

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