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As I walked out one evening - W. H Auden ( Stripped Version

As I walked out one evening,
down Bristol Street,
crowds lie on the pavement
And down by the river

Listening to a lover singing
Under an arch of the railway:
‘Love has no ending.

‘I’ll love you, dear, I’ll love you
Till China and Africa meet,
And the river jumps
And the salmon sing,

‘I’ll love you till the ocean
Is hung up to dry
And the seven stars go squawking
Like geese about the sky.

‘The years shall run,
For in my arms I hold
The Flower of the Ages,
And the first love of the world.'

But all the clocks in the city
Began to whirr and chime:
‘O let not Time deceive you,
You cannot conquer Time.

‘In the burrows of the Nightmare
Where Justice naked is,
Time watches from the shadow
And coughs when you would kiss.

‘In headaches and in worry
Vaguely life leaks away,
And Time will have his fancy
To-morrow or to-day.

‘Into many a green valley
Drifts the appalling snow;
Time breaks the threaded dances
And the diver’s bow

‘O look, look in the mirror,
O look in your distress:
Life remains a blessing
Although you cannot bless.

It was late, late in the evening,
The lovers they were gone;
The clocks had ceased their chiming,
And the deep river ran on.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

Know how much this version is good. The presence of three voices in one body is less obvious now. I'm afraid I have corrupted the whole thing, however this is the best I could come up with.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

I think you need to call this rewritten instead of stripped version. As is now I was expecting the stripped poem. I think this is pretty good and await others' opinions

To strip out imagery from Auden, but kudos to you, for this is a valiant piece. You've actually suceeded in uncoupling and changing the images - in my opinion.

I should have picked a sonnet! Oops sorry.

Thanks,

Chris.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

I'm happy I haven't messed up. It sure isn't an easy job and being the first time to do such an ex. adds to the difficulty. However, I have to admit that it was a great experience.
Can I consider the mission accomplished boss?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Please follow me on Instagram
https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

author comment
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