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I remember like it was yesterday

Submitted by M. Browne on Wed, 2024-01-17 07:24

I remember the day we met like it was just yesterday
Your handsome demeanour and gorgeous eyes
Drawing me to you, I didn't even know why
Your luscious blonde hair, I've always loved
Even when those emo bangs testify

I remember the first time you kissed me like it was last night
All our special moments March through July
Holding on to each memory, not letting pass by
With you I feel safe, comforted and blessed
Oh, how you hold me tight, every time I cry

I remember you telling you loved me for the very first time
My stomach flipping, yet all inside was a butterfly
I kissed you so fast, my feelings I could not deny
"I love you too," the happiest moment
The beginning of forever, our love will electrify

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
Neopoet Weekly 01/14/24 to 01/20/24
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Wed, 2024-01-17 13:30

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem effectively uses vivid imagery to recall memories of a romantic relationship. The use of sensory details, such as "your handsome demeanour and gorgeous eyes" and "your luscious blonde hair", helps to paint a clear picture of the person being described.

However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent use of rhythm and meter. Currently, the lines vary in length and syllable count, which can disrupt the flow of the poem. For example, the second line of the second stanza, "All our special moments March through July", is noticeably shorter than the other lines. Consider revising to maintain a consistent rhythm throughout.

In terms of language, the poem tends to rely on common phrases and descriptions, such as "I feel safe, comforted and blessed" and "my feelings I could not deny". While these phrases convey the speaker's emotions, they could be more unique or specific to the speaker's experience to add depth and originality to the poem.

Lastly, the use of the word "testify" in the first stanza seems out of place. It is not clear what the "emo bangs" are testifying to. This could be clarified or replaced with a word that more clearly contributes to the overall meaning and tone of the poem.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

MermaidMaster

Thu, 2024-01-18 00:04

this is beautiful! all the small details truly show how much you love your subject. thank you for sharing!! this was a delightful read.

<3

Candlewitch

Fri, 2024-01-19 14:56

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I like your title. You tell a good story in your poem. But the meter (syllable count) is all over the map. Your language usage is pleasing, too. Try reading your poem out loud o see where natural pauses, full stops and roughness are. This should help. Read other poets poems and comment on them. I think that should help.

*hugs, Cat

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