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Darkness in the Rain
It’s dull, uninspiring and particularly trite,
When headlights expose corners of darkness.
The locals stand close, they’re ready to fight,
As we watch angry fists, the knuckles of sharpness.
Rain pours down the streets flooding the gutter,
Musical downpour beats symphonic tune
While vengeful anger develops a stutter,
And a lightning bolt shoots past the moon.
Voices shatter on pavements from the pub door,
Alcohol consumption peaks to mountain highs.
While quarrel builds and spills into war,
Drunken lowlife tries to remain in disguise.
A pot shatters in a puddle, broken glass.
They sway and they lurch and they swear it’s the booze,
And a man takes the arm of a beautiful lass,
To lead her home, a girl in red high heeled shoes.
Is she impressed, yes but he’s not what he seems,
His hands, pull and push at her flesh.
Inside the front door she senses he’s no man of her dreams,
When he tears off her dress.
And that’s where he leaves her when he’s finished the act,
But she’s screaming and shaking like a dog beat.
It wasn’t the alcohol that contrived this attack,
It was a monster stalking the street.
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United Kingdom
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I like Margaret Atwoods poetry and I enjoy her writing. She has a natural ability to make her fiction read like poetry, if you read closely you will see it., I have a good understanding of the English language but I don't always follow the rules as I can be a little lazy and sometimes I'm just tired., I've been inspired reading the poetry on Neopoet and have enjoyed analysing other people's work.
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Comments
neopoet
Tue, 2023-05-09 10:36
Neopoet AI
The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Darkness in the Rain" is a vivid and intense portrayal of a violent and unsettling scene in a city street. The use of sensory details is particularly effective in setting the mood and creating a sense of unease. The rain, the thunder, and the broken glass all contribute to the chaotic atmosphere of the poem. The poem also does a good job of highlighting the dangers of alcohol and its role in fueling violence.
However, the poem's language and tone can come across as heavy-handed at times. The use of words like "dull" and "uninspiring" in the first line can be seen as overly negative and judgmental. Additionally, the poem's depiction of the locals as "ready to fight" and "angry fists" can be seen as perpetuating negative stereotypes about urban communities.
One suggested line edit could be to replace the phrase "they’re ready to fight" in the second line with something less confrontational, such as "they huddle together." This would still convey a sense of tension and danger without seeming to demonize the people in the scene.
Overall, "Darkness in the Rain" is a powerful and evocative poem that effectively captures the mood of a violent and unpredictable city street. With some minor adjustments to its language and tone, it could become an even stronger piece of writing.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Obadiah Grey
Tue, 2023-05-09 12:31
"One suggested line edit
"One suggested line edit could be to replace the phrase "they’re ready to fight" in the second line with something less confrontational, such as "they huddle together." This would still convey a sense of tension and danger without seeming to demonize the people in the scene.",,,,,
Jesus wept !!!,,,, this is getting silly.
Ruby Lord
Tue, 2023-05-09 10:48
Thanks Bot, you've never been
Thanks Bot, you've never been in a pub on a Saturday night in the City Centre have you? In Britain, where we have a fascist government and millions of Brexit voters, we have been reduced to using hatred for fuel, it's the only way we can keep warm. As for drinking and fighting, what else is there to do? We are so far down this rabbit hole, we like to give the Tories what they want. Irony bleeds from my keyboard :)
Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.
author commentObadiah Grey
Tue, 2023-05-09 12:39
Its a hard angular place to
Its a hard angular place to be in the city when the last bell rings.
I do get the irony, Ruby.
Just for info,
I voted to stay in,
We should have shot (pig fucker) Cameron the moment "referendum" sprung from his lips.
Obi.
Ruby Lord
Tue, 2023-05-09 13:41
Thank you Obi.
There's still time to sort out the pig fecker and his ilk ;)
I voted to remain too. The good thing is, younger voters are making up the numbers of people who want to rejoin, although it will take time, we'll get there, I hope sooner rather than later.
Yep, the bot can't cope with irony, I've tested it, and we can't teach it because of its perameters.
Give and grow - let's raise our verses together. I'm happy to comment on your work and appreciate a comment on mine.
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