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Clockwork

Submitted by Gomez on Mon, 2012-03-26 23:48

Tick,
A second just came and left,
Another moment you wished you had lived,
And lost among all the rest.

Tock,
Another moment,
Preserved in an endless timeline,
Another one neither you nor I lived,
But the second still left.

Tick,
You heard it and so did I,
Be we have spent every moment alive,
Or had we died long before our time.

Tock,
Lastly I fall,
Gaze upon what’s left,
You always had a way in finding something in me.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Candlewitch

Tue, 2012-03-27 11:29

Candlewitch's picture
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Good title. Flows well. I like the subject matter, time fascinates me! I like these lines best:

Tock,
Lastly I fall,
Gaze upon what’s left,
You always had a way in finding something in me.

here is an address for you to use on that matter we discussed:

http://www.neopoet.com/andrew

always, Cat

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scribbler

Tue, 2012-03-27 23:51

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I always enjoy poetry dealing with the passage of time. In this one in which it seems you want to express how much can change in a tic of time, I think to add a blank line space below each tick and tock might help visually. By the way, welcome to neo.........stan

weirdelf

Wed, 2012-03-28 02:13

weirdelf's picture
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You have nothing new to say in the nature of love. Try a different theme (all your 3 poems have been love poems and if you continue you will become boring quickly)

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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