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THE CAVEMAN AT THE PUB

Submitted by Ruby Lord on Tue, 2023-11-07 10:38

All right Sweetheart, wot are you drinking?
Oh, dear Lord he’s speaking, I’m shrinking.
His Lynx Africa spray hits my nose,
He pumps his pecs, to caveman pose.

Thanks, but I’m waiting for my best friend.
Me too, looks like, we’ve time to spend,
Beautiful girl, I like your fitness.
My mind screams, help me, headline witness.

Like a snail on a rock, he wouldn’t let go,
No matter what I said, he didn’t hear no.
Wot do you do, I mean for a crust?
I didn’t understand, in his language I’m lost.

You know, wot do you do for a living?
I prayed to the good Lord, he would give in.
Civil engineer, design sewage systems,
His frame relaxes, he flexes his pistons.

Come home with me, cos the khazi won’t flush,
Plenty of wreckage, can’t clean wiv the brush.
I’m so sorry mister, my friend is here,
I understand your issue, the solution is clear.

My advice for you is direct to your face,
always wear a condom, and save the human race.

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Last few words:

This was fun to write but a little hard to control the rhyme and meter. I'd appreaciate any comments but in particular, I'd like to know if this is representive of how other countries see England and the English, in terms of culture, TV, music and books? Some additional information on English/British colloquialisms and dialects. Khazi is a toilet Crust in this context, is a living or wages Fitness can mean physical fitness but also sexual appeal Many thanks Ruby :)

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Contest:

November 2023 Challenge Meeting A Caveman

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

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Comments

neopoet

Tue, 2023-11-07 16:40

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem effectively uses humor and dialogue to create a vivid scene and characters. The use of colloquial language and rhyming couplets contribute to the poem's overall tone and rhythm, which is consistent throughout.

However, the poem could benefit from more varied sentence structures and a more nuanced exploration of its themes. The dialogue, while engaging, sometimes feels overly simplistic and could be enhanced with more subtlety or complexity. The poem's themes of unwanted attention and the speaker's discomfort could also be explored in greater depth.

The poem's ending is a strong punchline, but it might be more effective if it were built up to more gradually. As it stands, the ending feels somewhat abrupt and disconnected from the rest of the poem. The poem could also benefit from a more developed resolution, perhaps by showing the speaker's relief or reaction after her friend arrives.

Lastly, the poem's use of humor is effective, but it could be enhanced with more varied types of humor. Currently, the humor is largely based on the absurdity of the situation and the caveman's behavior. Incorporating other types of humor, such as irony or wordplay, could add another layer to the poem and make it even more engaging.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

RoseBlack

Tue, 2023-11-07 16:59

This is

Brilliant! I am sure I've dated this guy, lol. That last line was absolutely perfect and accurate. Thank you for the explanation on some of the terminology. I thought the poem flowed well and was thoroughly enjoyable. I got a bit of a chuckle out of it as well.

~RoseBlack~

Ruby Lord

Wed, 2023-11-08 05:18