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Camp Breakfast

Submitted by Bryan on Sun, 2012-05-20 23:49

Pine smoke
mixed with bacon
sizzling in the cast iron,
frying eggs popping in the grease…
camp fire.

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Comments

Bryan

Sun, 2012-05-20 23:50

Any suggestions?

author comment

judyanne

Mon, 2012-05-21 09:24

and your way is perfectly alright
but i would re-arrange this in some way to encourage the reader use his/her sense of smell as well as hearing
- just adding one word here does that
just me again - but i would also rearrange the wording slightly - just sounds less 'clunky' - i stress this is imho only

example
'mixed aroma
bacon and pine smoke
sizzle in cast iron
while frying eggs pop in the grease
camp fire'

i like the images your write gave me
but if you could find a little more descriptive it would greatly enhance it
eg - what does pine and bacon smell like to you, or how does the smell make you feel.. just one or two words would do...

just as
'while frying eggs pop in the grease'
gives a great feeling and sound of the image - the rhythm does this
''while FRY-ing EGGS POP in the GREASE'
love it
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Bryan

Mon, 2012-05-21 18:11

Thanks for the comments Judy

First all opinions are personal (unless a committee is formed.) You almost seemed to be apologizing. Don't -your comments are excellent.

I appreciate your effort in giving me useful feedback.

author comment

loved

Mon, 2012-05-21 09:15

I anticipated some vitamins too

as Camping Rewards
since camps could sap energy
which needs to be compensated instantly,
like vitamin C orange juice
and burnt testicles
as meat of pigs
perhaps laced with liver....

loved

Bryan

Mon, 2012-05-21 18:14

Thanks for the reply

However it is a very limited form -no room for the whole pyramid.

I like your method of comment.

Bryan

author comment

Candlewitch

Mon, 2012-05-21 12:14

Hello,

I love Judy's suggestions, as they make a good write even better. You've made me hungry! This is my favorite part of camping out.

always, Cat

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Camp Breakfast