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Autumn Walk

Submitted by Bryan on Wed, 2012-05-23 07:07

grinding ink
rice paper for the haiga
ginkos remain

maple leaf dances
across stony creek
syncopated

warm sunlight
red leaf filtered
brisk breeze

dried leaves swirl
raise and fall on the eddy
cul-de-sac

dead birch stands out
among red gold and orange
old ghost

black and white
ink streaked rice paper
fall colors appear

Style / type:

Structured: Eastern

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Review Request (Direction):

How was my language use?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

How does this theme appeal to you?

How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Is the internal logic consistent?

Last few words:

In this haiku sequence my intent is for each haiku to stand alone and for the sequence to be more than the sum of the parts. Bryan

Editing stage:

Editing - rough draft

Comments

judyanne

Wed, 2012-05-23 08:17

hi bryan

I like the introductory
‘grinding ink
rice paper for the haiga
ginkos remain’

i think the closest to true haiku is
‘dead birch stands out
among red gold and orange
old ghost’

and I like
‘maple leaf dances
across stony creek
syncopated’

imho the satoris (is that the pleural of satori ? - lol) are weak
none of them make me go ‘oh’

i do like the way you have caused them to read as if we were watching the construction of the writes/ art... a pleasant and descriptive 'walk'

keep on, I like the way your mind works
btw – did you see my thoughts on your ‘aware’ on my ‘satori’ ?

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

MDT

Wed, 2012-05-23 13:27