imo the rhythm is just out of iambic enough to take away the rhythm of singy
- but still rather hallmarky - lol see, i just discovered that sing-songy is more than just hallmarky

one thing
'let happiness lingers' isn't correct english
it should be
'let happiness linger'
it doesn't really matter if it is slightly out with 'fingers'
- but if you wanted to, i think it would be easy to change ... as for example
'while happiness lingers' or 'as happinmess lingers'

love judy
xxx

that you were falling into your usual patterns of meter after the first quatrain. Try again, remember that meter makes for a lot of a SS feel. ~ Gee

The 3rd stanza where you used inversion to achieve rhyme was kinda SS. It's possible I was not clear enough in my instructions though. In this part of the shop I want a poem which sounds almost nursery rhyme in its effect. Doesn't have to be good poetry as that's not the goal at this stage. Of course it may well be that you, like Judy, are not able to write badly lol. I'd appreciate it ( as will others in the next stage) if you'd try to get a bit more singsong effect going here. And no I'm not angry or disappointed. To purposefully write badly can be as hard as writing well.............stan

The point of this exercise was to follow a rhyme pattern throughout a poem this you did.
Of course your Meter and a lot of the other correct forms are going to be out, but that you were consistent with rhyme was the first part of this workshop and that it was not sing along enough was probably due to the way you usually write..
I think our main problem here at the moment is that we are being a little picky, the next part of the workshop will probably call for correct forms of writing with rhyme so I shall wait...

No feels of hatred This line could use feeling

it's better profit in morrow. Here you could drop the it's and put
"in the morrow"

As happiness everyday lingers.... The As is extra..

This is just correcting for bits for the sake of later writes, the whole piece is spot on for the exercise in Rhyme,

Yours Ian.T

when it was my turn to re-write it.
Rather than add to the exhaustive feedback you've received I'll just post the re-write, which I've changed to ABBA form.

i would suggest you avoid old contractions and double negatives when you can

i;d change
'time shouldn't be 'ver wasted'
to 'time should never be wasted'

and
'As happ'ness lingers'
to 'As happiness lingers''

love judy
xxx