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Blackest Crow

Submitted by Michael Anthony on Sun, 2023-01-15 10:32

All I could feel
were the calls
of the worrying crows

Midnight-black, as they are,
picking over the remains
of your absence

And in this way
I miss you,
waiting for time to
chase them away

Style / type:

Free verse

Review Request (Intensity):

I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Review Request (Direction):

What did you think of my title?

What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

Editing stage:

Editing - polished draft

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Comments

Geezer

Sun, 2023-01-15 10:46

Your title...

brought me in, I love crows. I don't know about feeling the calls of the crows, it doesn't seem to fit. Maybe you should say:

All I hear
are the calls
of worried crows

The rest of it is great. I particularly like the lines:

"Midnight black as they are
picking over the remains
of your absence."

Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Michael Anthony

Sun, 2023-01-15 12:25

Thanks Geez! My thinking behind using "feel" rather than "hear" (I did try it both ways), was that this piece relies heavily on crows as metaphor for grief. Thought "feel" was the better fit in this context. Always appreciate your comments.

Best

Michael Anthony

author comment

Geezer

Sun, 2023-01-15 17:06

Got it...

Yeah, I see what you mean. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Rosewood Apothecary

Sun, 2023-01-15 15:29