Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

B E R M ersion

gradients of trust
thrown up
from the erosional
erasure of a solid
trust

the wind wails
weathered walk
and dunes with
patient fingers
talk
in whispers
hissing
like grasses
paper hush
emote

In the thousand
yard scale
the light like
liquid fins
shuffles decks
of magnanimous
fates
and chance
the winds in shells
spent
beneath
a surface
lent

particles of
theory
smoothing
grasped
with roots
like branches
thoughts

draw love
upon the sands
as sure
and real
as footprints
in these
nights
when the
depths reversal
show us a
purpose
rehearsal

....

Editing stage: 

Comments

There's some fantastic alliteration in here and the rhyme gives a steady flow.
But I can't pretend I understand a lot of it. I'm ok with the last stanza, but could do with some help in the early stages.
Hope you don't mind me asking, but I'd rather ask and understand, than make the right noises and completely miss the point. Jx

------------
Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.

give suggestions on your work, but I just couldn't get past a couple of your lines here.
I'm probably wrong about what you wanted to say, but I just had to offer these changes in hopes that it might smooth things out.

Particles of theory grasped with roots
and branching into thought.

Just my take on it, ~ Gee

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Make the right noises....miss the point
because....Point being in my mind a tactical verb
is front....

had to look at it...

about emotional fortification
i had to build them
and then at the sea
water was figurative in our
lives then

and the beauty
of the immediate presence
of the structure
and awareness
and how its absorbed
by nature
the psyche
cycles
and memory

the power of its purpose
and existance
and why
is there....
Berm
a pretty heavy word

I like that U ask such
good questions

thank U Jx!

author comment

Thank you, I can read and enjoy now. Jx

------------
Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.

I started with a bros and sis older...at a cottage...
much fun...good mid wealth
sixties..moon walks and vietnam riots
laugh in Hollywood squares
White Rabbit Mods
and intellectual debates

at the little beach building sandcastles
beneath the large clouds
and growing at the card table
staying up later
in the debates of social and political
times...grew into the groomed
adversary to my mother
and father here and there
the emotional charges
psychological
the castles and beach
fortifications become
the vista of the interior
but then without that
and those battles
I would not be able to
do what I do know out
here...
social atmosphere
and the depths would
have been too great
strategies for
survival

and of course I
love architecture
old ruins
and the very very
new social
media

tnx!

author comment

I shall have some one
intelligence in me administer

But I have none
all said and done
'tis beyond me

A thoughtful stroll among the dunes and along the beach, there the thoughts reverberate a view into another's tract.
Loved the starkness of this one, yet is there an underlying yearning for someone to be there waiting to share,
Yours, Ian

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.