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The Boundless Sea

Submitted by mark on Thu, 2023-02-16 02:50

I wish to know if my spirit could be bound
Like the seemingly endless sea we found
Nobody recalls the beginning of one’s life
Stormy times we go through, amounts of strife

I wish I could tack from New England to Old
See all the glorious stories I had been told
Yet I can only see but the sweep of a gull
Above our boat and off the beat up hull

I wish I knew the meaning of you
Endless sea of greenish blue
Where storms, then calm, bring satisfaction
Where there's really no thought or planned action

I wish to know if my spirt could be bound
Or if forever in you my soul be found

Style / type:

Structured: Western

Review Request (Intensity):

I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing stage:

Editing - draft

Contest:

Out At Sea

Content level:

Not Explicit Content

Comments

Seren

Thu, 2023-02-16 06:11

Dear Mark

This is a solid write but the fourth lines in the first and third stanza could be a little smoother before I offer some ideas I have a question about the fourth line/third stanza

Should the - be like this

Where there really is no thought - planned action

Or this

Where there really is no thought-planned action

Because with the spaces between the dash it makes it confusing whether its thought-planned or thought - planned action.

I'm thinking it's an editing issue, I don't want to assume and make an ass out of myself

Kind regards Jayne

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

mark

Thu, 2023-02-16 15:42

Never Jayne not ever

Nobody (including you) would ever be frowned upon by me and should not be by anyone here for voicing an opinion after reading a poem (mine or anyone else's in this community).
[smiles for you]

I simply took that out lol

author comment

Seren

Fri, 2023-02-17 01:56

Dear Mark

BTW I feel like an idiot. I didn't realise your poem had won a competition so Congratulations!!.

Well done!!!

Kind regards Jayne

“The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.” — W.B. Yeats

mark

Fri, 2023-02-17 02:28

Please don't feel that way

I activated my original account and need to resubmit the contest wins because of the anthology.
I knew I would lose all data but didn't realize the contest wins would go as well.
[smiles]

author comment

Geezer

Thu, 2023-02-16 09:04

Yup...

What she said. LoL Good stuff, just a little adjustment. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

mark

Thu, 2023-02-16 15:43