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Timelessly Falling
Like wind-blown fallen leaves
I land at your feet.
The color of fading rust
of the dying day
waiting to be born anew tomorrow.
Yours is the face I see
when I first awaken,
it has been this way for many a year
and it is my hope for many more.
you are the breath of my life
residing forever within,
our souls are twin and timeless.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
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Last few words:
from: Candlewitch notepad
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Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Sat, 2024-09-21 18:20
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem effectively employs natural imagery to convey a sense of deep connection and enduring love. The use of "wind-blown fallen leaves" and "the color of fading rust" creates a vivid picture in the reader's mind. However, the title does not seem to align with the content of the poem. It might be beneficial to consider a title that reflects the themes of nature, love, and timelessness presented in the poem.
The line "The color of fading rust of the dying day waiting to be born anew tomorrow" could benefit from some punctuation to improve readability. Consider breaking it up into smaller phrases or using commas to indicate pauses.
The phrase "you are the breath of my life" is a powerful metaphor that encapsulates the speaker's feelings for the subject of the poem. However, the phrase "our souls are twin and timeless" could be rephrased for clarity. The term "twin" could potentially be replaced with a term that better conveys the idea of two souls being inextricably linked.
Lastly, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm or meter to enhance its musicality. This could be achieved by adjusting the syllable count or stress pattern in each line.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Rula
Sat, 2024-09-21 12:53
Wow
Wonderful opening lines. Enough to get anyone the feeling of being enslaved to a true love source.
Wish you a happy life together many years to come
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
Candlewitch
Sat, 2024-09-21 17:13
Dear Rula,
Thank you! We have had 42+ years so far! we are happy with the other for the most part. The love is always there...
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentTriskelion
Sat, 2024-09-21 21:17
Hate...
...is such a strong word...let me try to help you take that down..how about "Fall(ing) for You?"
Thomas
.
.
...so like my lost dreams...the flood
Candlewitch
Sun, 2024-09-22 08:19
Thank you Thomas,
for the suggestion. I am considering your input.
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentTriskelion
Sun, 2024-09-22 11:00
Perfect..
..title!! That was golden.
.
.
...so like my lost dreams...the flood
Lavender
Sat, 2024-09-21 22:14
Hmm...
"Timeless"
Lx
Candlewitch
Sun, 2024-09-22 08:21
also good...
now I have two good ones to weigh. thank you!
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentLavender
Sun, 2024-09-22 08:38
'Tis a tender poem...
I'm certain you'll discover a tender title to match.
Lx
Candlewitch
Sun, 2024-09-22 11:01
Dear Lavender,
thank you! I have employed both yours and Thomas' suggestions. What do you think?
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentLavender
Sun, 2024-09-22 13:12
I agree...
it's perfect!
Lx
Leslie
Sun, 2024-09-22 09:59
Cat...
An awesome poem! I can't really think of a title. Maybe "What of Love"?
Today never knows what tommorow will bring!
Candlewitch
Sun, 2024-09-22 11:03
Dear Leslie,
Thank you for reading and giving a comment!
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
author commentRula
Sun, 2024-09-22 12:07
I like the new title
I wanted to suggest "Timeless Souls", but yours is perfect.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Please follow me on Instagram https://instagram.com/poetry.jo?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=
Lavender
Sun, 2024-09-22 17:05
Hello, Cat,
This is such a deep and sincere poem. Truly from the heart.
L