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Ode to My Twin
Version#1
How delicate you are on my skin,
for you the weary body weeps.
I owe you the comfortable sleeps.
Loving my pyjama is not a sin.
Virsion#2
How delicate you are on my skin,
for you the weary body weeps.
Loving my pyjama is not a sin,
I owe you the comfortable sleeps.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words:
I wonder if anyone likes version 2 better other than I.
I switched the last two lines to have an alternate rhyme of abab?
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Lavender
Mon, 2020-06-29 11:38
Ode to My Twin
Hello, Rula!
Another inspiring poem - an ode and in ABBA form? Very much like your sweet title and theme. This is one of the reasons nighttime is so wonderful, and rainy Sundays, too.
Thank you!
L
Rula
Mon, 2020-06-29 13:12
Hello Lavender
I don't know if there is a certain form for odes. I read many in different forms you try, so I thought any form will do.
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Lavender
Mon, 2020-06-29 14:23
Hi, Rula!
I don't know if there is, either! I just noticed that yours was abba. I always enjoy and admire structured poetry!
Thank you!
L
Rula
Mon, 2020-06-29 13:21
Thank you dear Teddy
Happy to give you a bit of fun dear.
The abba refers to the ending rhyme. So if you notice the ending words in each line, you'll find
Skin (a)
sleep (b)
Weep (b) as it rhymes with sleep
Sin (a) as it rhymes with skin
So skin and sin take the rhyme (a)
Weep ad sleep take the rhyme (b)
Hope this makes some sense dear.
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Geezer
Mon, 2020-06-29 15:35
Two thumbs up...
Would either of you be surprised, that men love pyjamas too? Good tale for a good night's sleep. ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Rula
Mon, 2020-06-29 16:59
Gee
I always thought that men like women with gowns better, but yes I believe that not all gowns are nice nor all pyjamas are not.
Thank you. Your thumps up (the two of them) are priceless.
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c lynn brooks
Mon, 2020-06-29 16:15
Rula
I enjoyed your little ode and yes there is a form for odes just ask the master Alan s Jeeves he is amazing
the ode conjures
feelings of warmth and comfort
Chrys
check out our chat room open to all 24/7
Rula
Mon, 2020-06-29 17:07
Dear Chrys
Thank you for your kind visit.
I have a good reference for all poetry forms,
you can find here
http://www.shadowpoetry.com/resources/wip/types.html
And here about the ode
http://www.shadowpoetry.com/resources/wip/ode.html
but would be grateful for sir Alan Jeeves input
Thank you dear. Much appreciate your kind visit.
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Rula
Wed, 2020-07-01 06:03
Lol
The pyjama's on, monsters out... Everything will be alright :)
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Lavender
Tue, 2020-06-30 16:22
Ode Variation
Hi, Rula!
I like both forms of your poem, but I agree with Teddy - it feels as if 'Loving my pyjama is not a sin' should be the final line. Your poem is very interesting - all four lines could actually be interchanged pretty easily in several different orders and still make sense.
Thank you!
L
Rula
Wed, 2020-07-01 06:04
Dear Lavender
Thank you. Your comment means a lot!
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Lavender
Wed, 2020-07-01 09:54
Great name, Teddy!
It would not surprise me if such a form already exists. Poetry is amazing!
L
Rula
Wed, 2020-07-01 16:11
Ladies
You're both too kind
Teddy.. your innovation is non-stop dear.
Thank you!
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