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YOU SMILE, I BLEED

Submitted by Entend2u on Sat, 2022-02-12 05:34

You smile, I bleed.

The red rose cracks
As frost grips
Its long, sore, stem.

You laugh, I cry.
Your laughter echoes
In the dull, thudding silence
In the space
Between us and I melt.

So much is left unsaid.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Not actively editing
Contest: 
the MY POEM contest
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Geezer

Sat, 2022-02-12 08:26

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that one must look at the perfect understanding of this relationship. You know where this partnership is going, and there is not a word wasted! I like it. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Entend2u

Sat, 2022-02-12 09:05

Thanks Geezer
Trying to synthesise a human emotion in as few words as possible is a worthy exercise and cathartic.
Will

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scribbler

Sat, 2022-02-12 09:21

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I am seldom able to put as much into as few words. The I start writing I tend to drone on and on until the readers likely fall asleep. You know, kinda like this comment lol

Entend2u

Sat, 2022-02-12 12:38

Thanks Scribbler
Try writing a poem where all the words are only one syllable. It will tame you.
Will
PS I accept that some of the above poem has words of more than one syllable.

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Obadiah Grey

Mon, 2022-02-14 12:44

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You have the unerring talent of paring a poem to perfection.
This, as with 'Tulips", is very impressive.

Obi.

Entend2u

Mon, 2022-02-14 23:00

Much appreciated comment Obadiah.

Will

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Candlewitch

Mon, 2022-02-21 11:53

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"you smile, I bleed" thoroughly got my attention. then, "you laugh, I cry" to be so at odds with someone you are in a relationship with! it sounds like the end of it. when your head and heart are so full that they go into overload and hit saturation! wow, alot comes to mind but refuses to be voiced.

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Entend2u

Tue, 2022-02-22 08:27

Hi Cat
Don't encourage me too much else I'll post some real tearjerkers!

Will

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Candlewitch

Tue, 2022-02-22 09:44

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bring it!

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Abby

Mon, 2022-02-28 22:06

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Congrats on the win! This is a great poem. I especially love how you contrast between I and You.

"To fly is to fall."

Entend2u

Tue, 2022-03-01 00:50

You have reminded me of a song by a group called "Yes" - some of the lyrics

And you and I climb, crossing the shapes of the morning
And you and I reach over the sun for the river
And you and I climb, clearer towards the movement
And you and I called over valleys of endless seas

You can get a Youtube video of them with this song

author comment

lovedly

Mon, 2022-02-28 23:15

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teach me to compose as do ye
tell me if I ever will come closer to thee
thy poetry.
EXCEPT a slice of advice -no
just a hint
why capitalize each first letter
THAT'S COMPY'S NEED NOT of poets
I feel
May see
Merci

Entend2u

Tue, 2022-03-01 01:09

Hi Lovedly

It's just a habit - I'll try harder next time.

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