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You deserve Hell
If you should stand before her,
hands open wide,
If you should make her think,
you are the groom she is the bride
If you should let her feel.
like all that was is gone,
If you should let her think,
you are the answer from beyond,
you deserve hell.
She is standing in the kitchen,
forlorn of days gone by.
She is nothing more than she was,
from the day you walked in her life,
If time has passed and nought has changed,
except the ending of her clock,
If you have done this all for nothing,
by presenting her your cock..
you deserve hell,
She listened to your promises,
Believed in every single lie
She trusted you , made plans with you,
and all you did was ...
feed her with more confidence,
make believe you had it all,
beg her to trust in your grand plans,
lying on the floor
all eggs in the basket,
she backed you end to end,
you whored yourself, you took it all,
you left nothing in the end
You sit there like a King,
waiting to be fed,
Her Rage simmers , but the kids...
she wishes you were dead
Let her go,
set her free,
let her live
let her be,
Your selfishness sickens her,
makes her rotten to the core,
you broke her, there is nothing left,
leave, there is no more ..
You deserve Hell...
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
Candlewitch
Tue, 2022-06-21 07:31
hello Juanitta,
welcome to Neopoet, it is very nice to meet you! I really enjoyed this write. I have known many women just like what you describe. seen the life bled out of them until they are completely washed of color! I might have been one of them but for luck and a very strong will. this is a powerful poem of fiery emotion. I really like these lines:
Your selfishness sickens her,
makes her rotten to the core,
you broke her, there is nothing left,
leave, there is nothing more ..
You deserve Hell...
because I know the feeling, just glad that I could still heal.
*hugs, Cat
^
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Juanita032001
Tue, 2022-06-21 18:08
Hi there Cat, thanks so much
Hi there Cat, thanks so much , I appreciate you taking the time to comment, still working on my healing, trying to find a way, I was literally downing my 6th beer, cleaning my kitchen for the umpteenth time thinking to myself is this it? It hurts to think of anyone this way, so I express it to get it out. Thank you again.
author commentCandlewitch
Wed, 2022-06-22 04:24
dear Juanita,
I do that too! I have a Male, murderous, malignant alter ego who writes dark poetry. his name is: eddy styx.
*hugs, Cat
*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.
Rosewood Apothecary
Tue, 2022-06-21 07:55
Deep and vulnerable
You’re putting out there for everyone. You’re badass. Good timing, reads pretty effortlessly. Nice rhyming. Keep writing, you’re talented.
Tim
Juanita032001
Tue, 2022-06-21 18:09
Awwww Shux, thank you ever so
Awwww Shux, thank you ever so much , i like being thought of as Badass, that is lovely, regards and thanks again, Juanita :)
author commentGeezer
Tue, 2022-06-21 09:33
Like Cat...
I have seen this before. My own mother lived this kind of existence. I enjoyed the poem, while deploring the circumstance.
I don't see any glaring mistakes. This is the way I would write these lines:
Her Rage simmers... but the kids...
and she wishes you were dead
there's nothing more
There are other places that the meter is off, and you could rework
to make it better, but as said; the theme is well done, and the thoughts are coherent.
Well done. ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Juanita032001
Tue, 2022-06-21 18:15
Feedback and Advice always
Feedback and Advice always appreciated , Thank you so very much Geezer, I was a little inebriated at the time of writing , I absolutely appreciate your comments and advice, I personally love the pause for effect and thought, will edit to fit, thank you once again, just googling meter to figure out what that is , i write what i feel and it just blurts out and rhymes as my vocab is basic but bearable :) Thanking you once again ! Juanita xxx
author commentGeezer
Wed, 2022-06-22 08:25
When a person...
questions me about what meter is; I tell them, it is the beats that you get when read. If you have googled it, it is probably a better explanation than I would give; but you most often and certainly feel it when you read aloud to yourself, another person, or perhaps if you are shy, the dog or cat. [They may look at you funny], but you will hear and feel when the rhythm is off. If you want to increase the number of words in your vocabulary, giving you more words to use as alternates for words that don't quite fit; Google is a good way to go, but I keep an old Merriam-Webster's dictionary and a Cambridge College theosaurus, nearby. They provide excellent references. You can usually find a good one at a library-book sale, cheap!
I like browsing the theosaurus or dictionary, because I often come across interesting words that can give me the room I need for an alternate word for later use. Keep writing and read a lot of the poets here at Neo. You will see and avoid a lot of mistakes, by doing so. Again, welcome to Neo. ~ Geezer.
.
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
RoseBlack
Tue, 2022-06-21 22:56
Hi Juanita
This poem resonated with me for many reasons. A deep, emotional write yet written with grace. I look forward to seeing more from you.
~RoseBlack~