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Words
What to say
when promises and givens
hinted and unfolded
by relished touch
and unrelenting passion
become as empty as a heart
left cold by distance?
Shall fury speak
these bruises of emotion,
shouting their slow build
from flying fists of words
welling underneath thin skin
that shrinks from stab of hatred?
Or will the tone
be reconciliation,
soothing balm pressed calm by care
against the wounds of fragile union
long ago cemented, now torn
by lack of caring thought
contemptuous of familiar flesh?
time again perhaps
will sooth the mindless rage
of accusation
pouring poisonous
from bitterness
of dwindling aspiration
and at the last
draw out the splinter
of such painful memory
that rises up from all denial,
When at last
one gentle touch conspires
to drain the blood of wrath
from heated words designed to hurt,
or single close embrace
transforms all hateful speech
to tears of sorrow and remorse,
For in the end
when all words are finally spoken
we are not what we say
when test and trial
rise up from bitter anger:
we are what we do.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Author information
Region & Country
Earth Vicinity (within a five light-year radius)
Favorite Poets
John Donne, T.S. Eliot, Serendipity, Emily Dickenson, Kailashana, Charles Bukowski, Kabir, Rett, Dalton, W. B. Yeats, William Blake, Rainer Maria Rilke, and many other Neopoet poets; Neopoet has heavily influenced my poetry and my ability to write it well.
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Comments
Race_9togo
Wed, 2010-11-03 16:13
Oh.
A month I have spent trying to finish this piece, and found no real solution to the ending...
until I read your comment.
I feel silly, now. It was so obvious, but it took your read to make me see it.
Thank you so much, Rosina.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
author commentjudyanne
Wed, 2010-11-03 12:27
well isn't that funny
i sat reading this over and over and felt the ending was wrong
couldn't put my finger on what it was
and then i read your comment......
and it hit me that it's not the end that's out
i think it's the second last stanza
throughout you haven't really spoken about actions.... only words
the second last stanza touches on it, but not enough to make your thoughts clear
(imho anyway - smile)
great write jim
i enjoyed it
love judy
xxxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Race_9togo
Wed, 2010-11-03 16:18
Look at what Rosina said.
When I read her comment I was realized what was missing because she got the point even though I didn't make it very well! I was so focused on adding what was needed that I didn't bother to read any other comments until afterwards.
Then I read yours, and WOW, you too were so very right. I re-wrote the new stanza, and the last one, as a result.
Thank you very much, it was exactly what I needed.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
author commentNordic cloud
Wed, 2010-11-03 15:04
Oh how I enjoyed the words
Oh how I enjoyed the words here,
I relished each one and read through
without a break, giving a good feeling.
Well written Jim.
Love Ann.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
Race_9togo
Wed, 2010-11-03 16:20
:) Thanks Ann,
I'm glad you enjoyed it so.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
author commentAyaz Warith
Wed, 2010-11-03 15:20
Dear Jim, I try to get what
Dear Jim, I try to get what you are trying to convey and I also feel that words are not stronger than doings, and doings are more accountable. But I liked the entite piece, Jim.Thank you so much. Regards Ayaz
Race_9togo
Wed, 2010-11-03 16:29
Ayaz,
Yes, I was not clear at first, but I added the stanza as per Rosina's comment and Judyanne's critique, and now I think the understanding is there.
You are most welcome, I am glad that you enjoyed my effort.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
author commentscribbler
Wed, 2010-11-03 15:26
words
a very nice work on the difference between simply saying something and actually doing it. You might delete"this" in line 21.......scribbler
Race_9togo
Wed, 2010-11-03 16:25
Yes Scribbler,
You are right, I took it out, and re-edited, it is better now.
Thank you.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
author commentGeezer
Wed, 2010-11-03 17:38
I especially liked...
the flavor of this one. I made me feel as though I were reading something by Shakespeare or one of the tragidians. One little crit. I think the word, [ underneath] has too many syllables for the line. Maybe [beneath]?
This is a work that I would loved to have heard spoken by my most favorite actor of all time, Vincent Price. He was a great orator, and I heard him in person once, here at Proctor's Theator in Schenectady. Nice job. ~ Gee
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
Race_9togo
Wed, 2010-11-03 19:04
Gee,
Thanks for your kind comment.
I know what you mean about "underneath". I tried rearranging that entire line and the line above it, and when I did the cadence was good, but the lines read very stuttery and choppy. I tried using "beneath" at first as well, but for me, that word does the same thing, it breaks the flow of the words and causes a stuttering pause.
Oh my, I would have loved to listen to Vincent Price read something of mine. He is one of my favorite actors also, and was one of the hardest-working too.
Respectfully, Race
"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo
http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo
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