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Unbound in the Deep
The rock on which I foundered
has rollen down the hill
to rest upon the Styx dark bank
where the waters yet run still
The coal-shell chain
that cloaked my face
lays shattered in the moss
gathered by my tortured hand
to pay the fare across
The silent sighs that echo
from the endless night below
strap themselves to my shame
as He begins to row
Hooded in a rosewood mist
from crown to rotten sole
he points a leaden finger
toward a swooping, lifeless crow
The silent sighs grow fainter
as light seeps from the shore
I gather up my shame and rope
and tumble overboard
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
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Comments
Candlewitch
Thu, 2012-03-08 12:35
Hello elias,
Wow! This is an incredible read! One of my favorite subjects, too. Your rhyning and rhythem are impecable. It flows beautifully from one line to the next. I love dark poetry and try my hand at it occaisonally under the pen name, eddy styx. Your storytelling abilities are fantastic, I would quote you favorite lines, but was blown away by the whole poem!
always, Cat
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eliaszizou
Thu, 2012-03-08 12:45
very kind of you Cat, words
very kind of you Cat, words of such appreciation tend to the garden of the soul, much thanks,
Ro
author commentwesley snow
Thu, 2012-03-08 13:39
Spectacular.
Cat sent me here (unabashed plug).
I'm sometimes called The Grammar Cop, so I'll slam you with my one and only complaint. "Styx" needs to be possessive. The "x" by itself doesn't do it. Of course that will screw with your meter depending on how one reads it. "Styx's" could be read as a single syllable. Anyway, I had to throw it out. Particularly since it is the only thing about this poem that troubled me.
I take it you were a member before The Fall, which is why you've been here a year with but one poem.
The imagery and pace here is... spectacular. With your permission, I will be keeping a close eye.
wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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eliaszizou
Thu, 2012-03-08 21:06
Wesley,
Wesley,
profuse thanks for your critique....am something of a disciple of Joyce and circumventing the rules of grammar for the sake of sound.... but observation well noted and if I am honest, something I had not even recognized which makes me somewhat of a dilettante.....yet with the intentional torture of grammar, 'has rollen down the hill', you did not comment, may I deduce that you are somewhat of a grammitcal sadist yourself despite apperanaces?
Thanking you kindly,
Ro
author commentwesley snow
Thu, 2012-03-08 21:50
I am indeed a grammatical sadist.
One of the great loves of my life are nonce words. I have twisted words and sentences around until they squealed.
However, I cannot take that sort of credit. I actually missed it. "Rollen". Very bad. Very bad indeed. I am a bad Grammar Cop. I go now to my hair coat.
wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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eliaszizou
Thu, 2012-03-08 22:49
we all have our fetishes,
we all have our fetishes, better the benign such as grammatical purity than mine for women's garments and candle wax on flesh..
Ro
author commentGeezer
Thu, 2012-03-08 22:27
Killer sent me...
He said; "Hey you gotta see this"! There's a guy you gotta invite to Chat on the Darkside. So I came and read;
then I thought; Here's someone who certainly has a dark side! Killer is right, We should invite him to our chat.
I think that it is acceptable to just add an apostrophe to the end of Styx, to make it posessive. I may be wrong, but I think that if the word ends in a s, sh, or z sound you can dispense with the final s, or not. Like so: [Styx'] ~ Geezer
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eliaszizou
Thu, 2012-03-08 21:12
Geezer,
Geezer,
thanks for your advice, very kind of you for taking the time, it means a lot. As for the invitation, if only I knew where to go I would solemnly attend, dressed in my inky cloak, wielding words of woe.
pleasure to make your acquaintance my Liege
take care,
Ro
author commentGeezer
Thu, 2012-03-08 22:30
Chat on the Darkside...
is the first and last Sat. of the month every month at 8pm until 10pm EST Be there! ~ Geezer
There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.
eliaszizou
Thu, 2012-03-08 22:35
I shall comply Mein Fuhrer
I shall comply Mein Fuhrer
author commentweirdelf
Thu, 2012-03-08 22:56
I can not add to the critique you've received
anything but my admiration for your wordcraftsmanship and imagery.
cheers,
Jess
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