Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Tongue

Submitted by Kyle Scott on Thu, 2023-03-30 15:50

It is gone.
That pink and red muscle
Dissolved like candy
In its own fluids.
Or a curled pillbug
Surrendered to sleep indefinite
By the lottery box.
How it yowls
Cold from the living room
And severs from me
My child,
Rage.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Geezer

Thu, 2023-03-30 19:47

Geezer's picture
Volunteer badge

of the theme here. It could be the parent is really tired of the child's teething pains or maybe even resentful of the baby,
"How it yowls
cold from the living room
and severs from me
My child,
Rage

The language use is very effective in describing the tongue, and the sleep indefinite, a lottery box intending to show the baby sleeps on it's own schedule. All-in-all, a good use of language to give a good description of the mood.
~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Lavender

Fri, 2023-03-31 18:43

Lavender's picture
Volunteer badge

Hello, Kyle,
While reading this, I thought of the expression "Watch your tongue." It feels like loss of control and the regret in letting rage get the better. I am curious and intrigued. Very descriptive.
Thank you!
Lavender

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.