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Hello, Koki,
Quite the uncomfortable feeling in this. I hope there is poetic liberty in much of this and not a complete reflection of how you feel. It is very raw. The last two stanzas are powerful and heartbreaking. And the phrase "...swimming in chaos of my own making" is relatable to most of us. (I wonder about the word "noone" and believe it is actually two words.) Again, a powerful piece.
Thank you,
L

I feel the absolute pain and emotional distress of your journey.
The nature of blaming yourself for your troubles, is one of [almost]
all of us. Sometimes, from an outside point of view, we hold little blame for our circumstance.
We tend to feel that if we had only... but having attacks of self-doubt is a part of nature.
I do believe that you might make this a little smoother, by paying a bit more attention to your punctuation
and spacing. I would rewrite this in a different manner to make it more readable.
My take:

Dealing with
my own selfish, selfish
selfishness,

Is like swimming in chaos
0f my own making.

I have no one else to blame.

No rock to hide under.

All I have is this pain,
and it is definitely that... pain.

I tried to cut myself, and realised
all the knives were blunt.

Too blunt to cut or carry.

Too blunt to be anything effectual.

Nowhere to hide,

Nowhere to bleed.

I did wonder at the admonishment of [to carry].

Is there a reason to carry a knife for protection?

Take care, the world is here for you.
Maybe it is time to leave where you are and find a place of refuge.
~ Geez.
.

I wish i could fly to your side and wrap you up in a fuzzy warm blue blanket to keep you feeling safe! I can feel your distress and it hurts. I wish all the best for you!

*hugs, Cat