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THUNDERSTRUCK(edited)
A Thunderstorm is brewing!
Why do i keep raining from my eyes?
Turning my own sorrows into bitter lies
It is just a storm glooming a cloudy day,
thunderstorms and flooding from my own eyes,
the gates that
burst a ton of water..then
another river of emotion drowns.
me away completly, The question,
" How to kill these frowns?"
before i end up swimming in a lake of sad,
Thunder is now sounding!
"Have i gone 'pletely mad?"
What can I do to end this feeling ..LIKE I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!!
Should I end my life..no that's way too rough
but I can't go on like everything is fine..
every now and then i feel its ok to whine..
and nothing like the alcohol less you call it life,
cut another hole in the sky..rolling thunder.. to rep my pain..
Put down that knife..before I drown..Insane,
A thunderstorm is now flashing.. sounds like a fired gun..
to my head a pistol for now my time is done!
!
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
<i TRiEd>
Editing stage:
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Comments
Eduardo Cruz
Mon, 2012-02-27 16:36
Kyrp,
Welcome to Neopoet!
The pain and hurt to yourself is evident, it's a fine first poem you have posted on Neopoet.
Now to the task, as you may or may not know neopoet is a workshop. One large family who help each other improve in the craft of writing. Your poem is good in its context, but how it's penned to paper it loses its pacing in different lines:
I am going to try and write it so you can see what I am saying
Eddie:
Why does it keep raining from my eyes?
Turning my own sorrows into bitter lies
It is just a storm brewing on a cloudy day
,
Tthunderstorms and flooding
from my own eyes gates
that burst out a ton of water
oh another river of emotion drowns
me completly,
how to kill these frowns
before I end up swimming
in a lake of sadness
Thunder is now rumbling,
have I gone 'pletely mad?
What can I do
to end this feeling .
LIKE I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!!
Should I end my life..no that's way too rough
but I can't go on like everything is fine..
every now and then
I feel its ok to whine..
Nothing like the alcohol less you call it life,
Cut another hole in the sky
to rep your pain..jus put down that knife..
It's raining again
Is it just your pain or another bad storm?
Listen to some scream
that should be the norm' everytime you cry
just think that life's a dream
for everyrthing isn't what it always seem!
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
KrYpToNiTe
Tue, 2012-02-28 03:01
that wuz kinda cool that u
that wuz kinda cool that u showed me that!
author commentEduardo Cruz
Tue, 2012-02-28 10:15
kryp,
We are here to help each other in the art of writing, You can repost it how i wrote it for you by hitting the editing button on your poem, and write after the title rivision so everyone knows you re-wrote it. We have workshops on poetry that are very good if you truly want to learn I will help you in any way I can. learn how to navigate the site there are a lot of good things going on here. The thing you should do is read as many poems as you can here, that is how we all improve our writing skills. it's not just writing it is learning how to read a poem and criticing it to help the other poet. if you read a poem and don't understand, just ask the poet who wrote it. They are all ready to explain why, how and because.
it's may pleasure to help, but believe me everyone here is always willing to help a new poem.
Keep writing my friend. there is great pleasure in putting our thoughts to paper.
always ready to help.
Eddie
...
LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE
Candlewitch
Tue, 2012-02-28 11:41
Dear Krypt
I really like what eddie wrote. Welcome to Neo Poet. Glad to see you are settling in here and finding your way around.
always, Cat
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