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T A N T A L I Z E

Submitted by Esker on Wed, 2012-02-15 22:06

they were like mini dreams
run through the mill
ideals crushed
delicate

structured
disciplined

stood there with her
mittens flexing
her spine bent
back looking up
at the black looking
back down

"Think God's in?"

I could hear the sizzle
of the high test utility
lines

"I don't know honey, If
he is in he's probably
busy hustling up business
cause we need all them
angels now"

she kicked a chunk
of soggy slush in the
parking spots with her
old Ugg boots They
skidded a ways leaving
a dark streak on the
fresh snow

"I know heaven tastes good"

she nodded her head
her braids down shadowing
her eyes as we passed
between the short parking
lights For a moment
she could have had black
wings but it was just
the shadows just
the trees at the edge of
the right of way

"Com'n" she said sticking her
tongue out and looking up
"try one!"

she stopped and I stood
looking up
both of us
the wires at the insulators
sizzled
damp little snowflakes
melting on us

I finally caught one
and it did taste good!

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Esker

Wed, 2012-02-15 22:38

Esker's picture

but the one liners belong to someone I know
This is a very very short for Emogothgirl
Im not really putting a ton of detailing in it
keeping with the poetry

The characters could be freinds
could be anybody
or anyone
the focus was on the exchange
pace

musings

author comment

Nordic cloud

Thu, 2012-02-16 09:53

Nordic cloud's picture

Your charm permeates each phrase, we feel as if this were father and child puzzling together their environment, the 'ball' thrown from the one to the other in perfect pattern for me. Wonder.
Wonderfully described.

Ann.

"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.

Esker

Thu, 2012-02-16 14:02

Esker's picture

all the roads
ruined and paradise

Just a "short" for the up
and coming young writer
I admire here

I used to write the longer
more non truncated versions
of dialogue
but have been limiting this lately
different times now
another road...

Thank You!

author comment

emogothgirl

Thu, 2012-02-16 19:49

emogothgirl's picture
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short and to the point, a great way to put it! loved this one esker.
always,
mag

Esker

Thu, 2012-02-16 22:06

Esker's picture

yes! its that minimalistic slant I love
im remembering some of the epic
two person dialogues though
some of its coming back from
the haze of time
like a rolling dime
its all heads and tails
tin hearts

lost soul salvation

that eye to eye translation

author comment

weirdelf

Fri, 2012-02-17 01:55

weirdelf's picture
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Including all the elements Wesley asked for in his "Storytelling workshop"

My only crit of Wesley's approach is the idea that poems need to be long. I disagree and you proved it.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Esker

Fri, 2012-02-17 23:27

Esker's picture

Love sitting in the library on the faux leather chairs
the tall window looking to the tree lined street
Love how writers the professional published
write their short stories How they can put
a story in so few pages and less!!!
and still I can "come alive" with the tell
I admire this ability and try to copy this here
stripping down my long "Orgami" style
writing for the more streamlined "Esker"

author comment
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