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Summit

Submitted by purple-hobbit on Mon, 2016-10-17 17:33

I climbed a mountain once:
The views at the top made it worth it.
I was above a shroud of vapours,
That looked less so like cotton from above.

My slightly constricted lungs may have contributed:
to the dizzying effect of such beauty,
And the powder coated rocks mitigated my collapsed knees,
as the corners of my chapped lips rose triumphantly.

The howling of the wind threw hair against cheek:
Causing a harsh red from the whip wielding wind.
My joints had an almost gleeful ache as if they too:
believed the pain was worth it.

The little air I was able to inhale:
Filled my lungs with icy freshness.
And, as I was no longer climbing:
it was a gentle sip not a desperate gasp.

It’s a shame my journey didn’t end with a prideful dismount.
Instead it was the generic hum of an alarm:
Causing my feet to tangle in blankets instead of rocks,
And my face to be smothered by pillows over wind.

I had a dream that I climbed a mountain.
Though it isn’t my dream .
Mine is to know that my hardship was worth it:
After I had reached my peak.

It is a difficult path.
I often dream of a happy ending
And one day I'll get it
and I won’t have to hope it was worth it

Because I’ll know.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Sparrow

Tue, 2016-10-18 04:10

Sparrow's picture
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What a lovely write, there are some here that will guide you in form and rhythm, but to me this is a great write and it paints a picture of many things both inside and out.
Listen to that inner self as you do sometimes and there you will find a peace and more words to paint the universe.
Always remember that the best purple comes from tiny sea creatures that an emperor might wear lol.
Take care and I look forward to your next picture,
Yours, Bampy xx
Please have a go at critiquing some of the others writings,
in reading and listening to what they say you will learn so much.x

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

purple-hobbit

Fri, 2016-10-21 14:18

purple-hobbit's picture

Thanks :) I will get round to trying to critiquing others but at the moment I am swamped with coursework and independent study :/
-TJ x

Not all those who wander are lost - JR Tolkien

- Tyjana :)

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lovedly

Mon, 2016-10-17 20:26

lovedly's picture

coming from a teenager 16 only
your poetry is lovely
compose more read twice as many
then see as you comment and receive
you will be
the poetree

purple-hobbit

Fri, 2016-10-21 14:19

purple-hobbit's picture

Thank you! I don't have much experience but I'm trying :)

Not all those who wander are lost - JR Tolkien

- Tyjana :)

author comment

lovedly

Fri, 2016-10-21 15:02

lovedly's picture

you will

purple-hobbit

Fri, 2016-10-21 14:25

purple-hobbit's picture

Thank you! I'm glad you liked my title , I find them to be the hardest part as it is hard to summarize with so few words :)
I used to write poems that rhymed but I recently started writing in free verse and found I enjoyed it much more!
Thanks!

Not all those who wander are lost - JR Tolkien

- Tyjana :)

author comment

Candlewitch

Thu, 2016-10-20 12:31

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your adventure with climbing the mountain, could also be taken for a metaphor for other lofty pursuits! even something personal such as taking steps to becoming a better person. I loved the imagery of this piece and the feelings it evoked! I also admired your simple one word title...one word can be worth a thousand pictures! nice to meet you!

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

purple-hobbit

Fri, 2016-10-21 14:25

purple-hobbit's picture

I find sometimes the day itself can be likened to climbing a mountain though I love your interpretation of self improvement! I'm glad you like my title as I find it very hard to name my poems :)
Nice to meet you too!

Not all those who wander are lost - JR Tolkien

- Tyjana :)

author comment

weirdelf

Mon, 2017-05-22 23:51

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and this is a lovely piece.

Something I do sometimes when something bothers me about a work I can't quite place, or to test the rhyme and meter of a piece, is copy and paste it into Word and remove all the line breaks so that it looks like prose, and then read it aloud. Here is the result.
http://vocaroo.com/i/s0Pl6MX7W41D

It reads like prose, it is in fact poetic prose. I write almost exclusively in freeform but that doesn't mean abandoning all prosodic (the science of poetic meter and versification) techniques like meter, rhyme alliteration, consonance, assonance etc. It mean not sticking to a strict form.

Your work would be enhanced immeasurably by learning some prosody. We run workshops on various aspects of it but the most fun way to learn it is to read lots of great classic poems.

oh and your use of colons is completely off, they should be semicolons, commas or lost.

I hope you find this useful and not overly critical. I believe you have tremendous talent and potential.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

purple-hobbit

Wed, 2017-05-24 12:59

purple-hobbit's picture

I think my prose-like poetry is a habit at this point , I think I might be influenced by the style of slam poetry which I find to be very close to prose! I've planned to join some workshops in summer when I have more time to commit myself with learning :) It will probably help my in my literature class along with my poetry!
I will amend my use of colons after I comment!
I always welcome criticism :)
Thank you very much,

Not all those who wander are lost - JR Tolkien

- Tyjana :)

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