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That Summer

Steam rose upon the sticky day that summer,
as surreal strangeness to the mist set in.
We stepped to beats played by a mystic drummer,
and waited for enchantment to begin.

Reflecting back, I wonder why we stopped,
to loiter there upon that hallowed ground.
How ill prepared we were for what then dropped,
the fearful secret soon to be unbound.

Four college kids whose light was set to dim,
by foolishly embarking on a dream;
a manuscript unearthed by fortune’s whim,
tormented us into a reckless scheme.

We sought to find a fortune down below,
observing the instructions in the scroll;
no thought for how the consequences grow,
or that the devil always takes his toll.

That empty tomb where once the ghoul would lie,
dark errant knight of twisted gallantry;
in death disturbed by dreams of days gone by,
still punished here for all eternity.

I never fully grasped what happened next,
how we escaped with liberty and health,
but ever since obeyed that ancient text,
and never more went seeking others’ wealth.

We do not dare, discuss the dreadful day,
that left us reeling and, just barely sane.
We live forever to repent and pray,
and hope someday to dull the hollow pain.

Though many summers passed, I can’t forget;
I’m older now and hope that I am wise.
I sometimes read that scroll and shudder yet,
believing life itself is our great prize.

Editing stage: 

Comments

by being tested with the sins
lust...greed..ambition
tombs...monuments too
the dead who took on
the great propositions
paying with blood their
rank..status..war
and political attrition
and heights beyond
secret societies beyond
mere ordinary citizen

give me a simple life
there are things best
left undisturbed in
this world

the knights were asked
too give their life
most were noble
lineage...old money
management
there was always
treasure for the afterlife
for they paid for their
immortablity in marbel
or stone or great
earthen creations
for a reason
here..

Reminds me of the
american writer
HP LOVECRAFT

thank U!

is a bit like, though not nearly as bad, as using the word 'beautiful'. One needs to evoke surrealism, not just use the word.
Otherwise I really like this, it evokes a set of feelings I strongly relate to.

There is a bit of an HP Lovecraft feeling to this, an un-nameable horror, which leaves one almost as tormented as if one had experienced it.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

I agree that any particular word is never to be used, i'll even use love if it fits my meaning well enough.
Steam rose upon the sticky day that summer,
unsettled strangeness to the mist set in.
We stepped to beats played by a mystic drummer,
and waited for enchantment to begin.

Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

author comment

I over-stated it.
Still, I prefer the change, though it could go further.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Great write, and a good story, a short epic, lol
Will look forward to more of your writing on different subjects, take care, Yours Ian.T

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Sorry it took so long to notice your comment tagged onto the end of the thread. I hope you have found one or two other pieces that appealed to you.

Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

author comment
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