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Stones

Submitted by Rosewood Apothecary on Mon, 2023-01-02 05:28

So the world piled on the stones
As it is always apt to do
I built a fortress ‘round this heart
Inside the darkness grew

So solitarily confined
Despite your close proximity
Drawbridge raised, prepared for siege
You hadn’t tried to lay on me

Castle crumbled from within
Repurposed stones now used to pave
A road for you to find my heart
This well of love I have

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Candlewitch

Mon, 2023-01-02 05:56

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I'm a sucker for a tale of the melting of ice to allow love to flow freely. nicely done!

*hugs, Cat

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Lavender

Mon, 2023-01-02 10:54

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Hello, Tim,
A great metaphor for our nature to defend ourselves and keep ourselves safe. Like Cat, I love it when the walls come down. I stumbled a bit with the line "You hadn't tried to lay on me." I believe I understood it to mean that the threat was not there after all, but I was not certain. Another meaningful poem!
L

Geezer

Mon, 2023-01-02 11:28

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the heartfelt emotion found here. You must make life fun for your partner! I was amused at the obvious attempt of making it seem like the lines ending in [pave] and [have] rhyme. I guess visual acuity is paramount? LoL
As to the line: "You hadn't tried to lay on me" causing a stumble, it is just the kind of thing that confuses people when every line is capitalized. Not a big deal, but an example. Nice work and the kind of thoughts I have come to expect from you. ~Geez.
.

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Rosewood Apothecary

Mon, 2023-01-02 11:59

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I’m sure never would project the meaning of the line better. I understand what you’re saying…if that line was not capitalized you would attach it to the preceding line and it’s meaning would be clearer. Everyone seems to have understood the meaning of the poem as I intended but that is a bit awkward. I’ll try and fix that. Thanks again for reading and criticism.

Tim

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Geezer

Tue, 2023-01-03 10:33

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adding [never] to that line, will do the job. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Lavender

Tue, 2023-01-03 15:20

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I think it was the word "lay" that made me hesitate, which I realize goes along with your title and theme. That stanza felt a little more intense and military-like to me by including "drawbridge" and "siege." Maybe something like: "Though you never tried to conquer me." As is, I definitely understood your meaning, I just needed a moment to re-associate it with the piling of stones. Still, a deep and meaningful poem.
Thank you!
L

Rosewood Apothecary

Tue, 2023-01-03 16:12

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I’m gonna play around with it

author comment

Lavender

Tue, 2023-01-03 16:20

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for the explanation. Now I understand!
L

RoseBlack

Mon, 2023-01-02 19:02

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The letting down of the walls around your heart....your writing is always filled with sincere admiration, love and gratitude for your partner. Well done!

~RoseBlack~

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