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Spilling Ink

Try diving into my mind!
If I were you,
I’d leave it undefined.

Calling me weak
wakes my pen
It better not speak.

His bullets don’t kill
They slowly coax
doubt to refill.

You, are Superman?
More like a
smashed cola can!

Need God? Press redial!
Digested fear, sipping
on a big gulp of denial.

My mind full of artillery,
the sound of spilling ink,
defenses gone suddenly.

Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Spilling Ink" demonstrates a strong use of metaphor and imagery, which are crucial in creating vivid mental pictures. However, there are a few areas that could be improved for clarity and impact.

1. Consistency in tone: The poem seems to oscillate between a confrontational tone ("Calling me weak wakes my pen") and a more introspective one ("My mind full of artillery"). This can be disorienting for the reader. Consider maintaining a consistent tone throughout the poem.

2. Clearer metaphors: Some metaphors in the poem are not immediately clear, such as "Need God? Press redial! Digested fear, sipping on a big gulp of denial." While it's good to challenge your readers, it's also important to ensure your metaphors are accessible enough to not lose your audience.

3. More specific imagery: The poem could benefit from more specific imagery. For example, "His bullets don’t kill They slowly coax doubt to refill." What kind of bullets are these? Are they words, actions, or something else? Providing more specific imagery can help the reader better understand and connect with your poem.

4. Rhythm and Rhyme: The poem seems to lack a consistent rhythm or rhyme scheme. While free verse is a valid form of poetry, if a rhythm or rhyme scheme is intended, it would be beneficial to make it more consistent.

5. Use of cliches: The phrase "Superman? More like a smashed cola can!" is a bit cliche and could be replaced with a more original comparison.

6. Clearer narrative: The poem could benefit from a clearer narrative or theme. While the theme of writing as a form of defense is evident, it's not clear who the speaker is addressing or why. Providing more context could help the reader better understand the poem's message.

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Hello, Paul,
I'm feeling a couple different angles with this, but they all seem to center back to the power of the written word against everything else. The title to me suggests the urgency to use the written word as a powerful tool against the extreme and the false. I'll be back!
Thank you!

for stopping by

author comment

I agree with Lavender! From the powerful energy of your words, I think you have been set off; like a time-bomb! This releasing of your message feels cathartic. like it will heal some very deep wounds. I hope that is so.

*hugs, Cat

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And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

for stopping by

author comment
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