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The Silent Siren

Submitted by lowdownlady on Fri, 2012-03-02 22:03

I stripped and skinny dipped
down into your eyes
the night you left me.

Cold, cold, murky waters,
deep black sockets.

Your hands were in your pockets.
I rose trembling on your shore.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

wesley snow

Fri, 2012-03-02 23:07

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I don't write free verse, so this poem isn't exactly down my alley... but I like it. Your language used a couple of similes I liked. What are you hoping to get from NeoPoet? You've probably been told this, but Neo is a workshop environment, so the critiques can get a little serious here. No one is mean spirited, but everyone here wants to grow as a poet. I hope you check out some of the workshops we have running and are getting ready to run and I look forward to sharing your poetry and thoughts on other work.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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lowdownlady

Fri, 2012-03-02 23:19

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This is actually the first free verse poem I've written in a very long time, though it's the style I started writing with. I've been on a rhyming/metered kick lately, I'll post some in a minute! I appreciate that you like this one :). I joined the site because writing is something that I've always done and loved to do, but it's always been something I've done as a means of dealing with issues, and in turn I've kept it to myself. And so from this, I hope to learn how to better my craft, through feedback/practice. I also want to find some great poets that aren't of the limited selection that my local bookstore has. I want to read other works and relate to them and remember how human we all are. I'll definitely join in on some workshops! Though I know they'll be tough for me, as I've always written on impulse. But challenge is a good thing. A great thing. It's nice to meet you!

Dom

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lowdownlady

Fri, 2012-03-02 23:26

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whoops! i don't want to flood the stream. i'll post one that isn't free verse tomorrow.

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wesley snow

Sat, 2012-03-03 11:44

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I think you've come to the right place. I'll give you my suggestions as to poets to read knowing that everyone will give you the other ones. Just for fun look in on some classical stuff. Most poets are startled to find how "modern" some of the older poets are. If you have not yet, try reading the first few canto of Milton's "Paradise Lost". It is written in English, so no translation to sweat through knowing you're not really reading the poet. But be sure to sit down for the very first part.
Next, try Byron's "The Prisoner of Chillon". It's a personal favorite of mine.
I'll look in on your other posts later and you might want to check in on some of the poetry in my workshop "Storytelling in Verse". You are always welcome to read the workshops and comment even if you are not part of it. We had some remarkable entries from some poets who have never tried to tell a story.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

lou

Fri, 2012-03-02 23:20

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I like the use of vocabulary , but it reads like it's only part of a poem, in other words it has the basic components, it just needs fleshing out.

Good start though.

Lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

lowdownlady

Fri, 2012-03-02 23:28

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i could definitely see this one extended. i'll work at it. thanks for the feedback :)

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loved

Fri, 2012-03-02 23:46

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Great, I’m free

As is all my free verse poetry
Not many read me
As I speak in riddles
but that doesn't irk me,
as free I am
as a soaring bird ought to be,
Out above the horizon
Where humanity is not limited...

I soar beyond all oceans and time
I bother not about metre or rhyme
if none read me ’tis isn't a crime
for Loved is creativity
hence that name of mine.

Seek not any recognition
the best will come out of you
and
so I will let you read my poetry
comment only if you do.

loved

lowdownlady

Sat, 2012-03-03 22:32

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absolutely captured the spirit of free verse writing :)

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Candlewitch

Sat, 2012-03-03 12:46

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Welcome to Neo Poet. It is always a pleasure to greet new poets on the site. Great title, it invites one to read on. Your imagery is intriguing and exciting. It gave me a chill! I usually quote back my favorite lines of a poem to the author, but in the case of this poem, all the lines are perfectly absorbing!

If you should happen to check out my poems, I also write under the pseudonym of "eddy styx" his poems are indicated next to the title. eddy styx is my male alter ego and a bit of a maniac, lol. He writes dark poetry.

always, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

lowdownlady

Sat, 2012-03-03 22:40

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Hello! Nice to meet you, Cat, I'm Dom :)
Thanks so much for your kind comments. I'm glad you liked the title! I titled it so because what makes a Siren so irresistible is their song, and though I once had the potential to completely captivate the person I was writing about, I sat silent as he left me, felt stripped of whatever it was I once had that kept him entranced. Also Sirens just went along with the whole swimming theme. :)

I absolutely intend to check out your writing! I happen to adore darkness, maniacs, and alter egos. Sounds like a perfect fit. Thanks for letting me know.

Dom

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weirdelf

Sat, 2012-03-03 18:34

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The second stanza reads like separate lines so a simple conjunction should fix it.

Something like-
I swam in
Cold, cold, murky waters,
deep black sockets.

See what I mean?
You'll often get conflicting feedback here. Take what you need and leave the rest. Always ensure you retain your original vision no matter how good someone else's ideas might sound.

Welcome to Neopoet.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

lowdownlady

Sat, 2012-03-03 22:51

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i totally see what you're saying. i meant it as an extension on the image in the first stanza, a reflection on his eyes. i added a simple "O." Does that change anything?

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China Blue

Sat, 2012-03-03 20:40

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Candlewitch suggested I read your work. she was so very right. There is something in your writing that is fresh and new and a pleasure to read. I look forward to reading more
Chrys

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

lowdownlady

Sat, 2012-03-03 22:42

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Thank you! That means a lot. I'll keep writing more :)

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