Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

seeing.

Submitted by Starlight on Sat, 2012-02-18 22:29

she comes off as so bold
but if you watch shes scared
shes delicate. shes hurt. shes ............................fragile

like the way a roses thorn
can be so piercing but
the petals are so brittle. the....................................girls

laugh at her. she is different
she is strange. yet she is
beautiful . how does she.........................................get

herself wrapped around my mind how
does she completely lure me in to make
me feel entirely helpless. i can see the..............hurt

in her eyes. see her vulnerabilty
through the mask she wears
so well. a broken smile is for the.........................worst.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
i just write what i am feeling. it know its really not great or anything, its just something i like to do :)
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

Bonitaj

Sun, 2012-02-26 12:55

Bonitaj's picture
Volunteer badge

I like this a lot for a number of reasons, among others:
Your honesty
Your exquisite sensitivity and hence - perspicacity!
Then the layout of your poem manages to highlight the points you wish to make
Good luck and happy writing!
Boni

Bonitaj

Starlight

Sun, 2012-02-19 17:10

Starlight's picture

Thank you for your honesty. :) and i was trying to figure out how to put the last line, i might add another stanza if i have to in order to make the poem wort better :)
-Starlight♥♥

author comment

Nichole

Sun, 2012-02-19 20:32

Nichole's picture

My favorite line is "The way a roses thorn can be so piercing but the petals so brittle"
You paint a beautiful image in the minds eye when writing, I like this a lot. I want to be able to see and feel what the writer did. You young lady have some amazing potential. This is beautiful. I love your poems and I thirst for more.

Barbara Writes

Sun, 2012-02-19 20:45

Barbara Writes's picture
Volunteer badge

another one i found that is very well written. i love the flow. i did forget one time while reading to look to the side for the one word to the right that binds the poem so well.
i agree with Bonitaj the last word "worst" dosent really bring it home in the ending.

other than that i agree with Nichole, you really have amazing potential
loking forwaed to read more of your simpley well written feeling.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

loved

Mon, 2012-02-20 03:43

loved's picture

nor the last beautiful teenager
across the globe
I have come across
hurt by small insignificant men,
who feel the only part their small one plays
is to exude…..

I have composed one poem
for gals like you,

You Just Can’t

published in a poet's book
a gift from me
Hope you will get to read it.

What I cherish most
is your intense sense of creativity
wonderful composition
I say kid,
I love thee...

loved

Starlight

Mon, 2012-02-20 07:14

Starlight's picture

thank you so much for your kindness, i wrote this poem about a close friend of mine. ♥

author comment

loved

Mon, 2012-02-20 10:32

loved's picture

you care
keep it up girl
ur good ...
the horizon i see and
as the sunrises starlit
there we all shall be
to read thy poetry
but later on still
in STARLIGHT
if you so will

loved

Starlight

Mon, 2012-02-20 17:52

Starlight's picture

thats cute. :) thank you so much

author comment

lou

Mon, 2012-02-20 07:26

lou's picture

I enjoyed the poem, but i'm not sure what the .... pauses are for.

apart from that good stuff

lou

Stand tall, be proud to be who you are, give the world the finger!!!!

Starlight

Mon, 2012-02-20 07:47

Starlight's picture

if you read the words on the right side from the top down, it says this:
"Fragile
girls
get
hurt
worst"
that is the purpose of the "pauses" haha they are just used as a separator because using the space bar doesn't work. But thank you so much :)

author comment

weirdelf

Mon, 2012-02-20 20:45

weirdelf's picture
Volunteer badge

Seldom have I seen such perspicacity, sensitivity and creative form in someone so young.

Welcome to Neopoet.

I expect great things.

If I can help in any way just ask.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Starlight

Mon, 2012-02-20 21:01

Starlight's picture

thank you for the encouragement and welcoming.

author comment

Esker

Mon, 2012-02-20 22:16

Esker's picture

Elf said you were a talent
Your brilliant minds on chat so fast
I left..im not limber with words
I just drop my poems here
pay homage and leave

I browsed your poem earlier
caught by the pattern of it
an came here to check it out
You are a talent !

there was no way I was writing
like this at all until I was in my
forties. You have much more
word grasp and creative
usage of it then I..

I really found this poem
intriguing

Thank You

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.