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dreams

Submitted by Starlight on Wed, 2012-03-21 19:20

swaying ....................................................................upon
the shadow
of this moon.

the silhouettes
reflect ........................................................................two
as one.

our ...........................................................................stars
are fading with
the peak of a horizon.

for you....................................................................were
just sand
erased by the wind.

nothing left
but the ..................................................................screams
that echo into forever.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
some more word vomit. you know when you have those really good dreams and when you wake up your upset it is over? basically... :)
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

wesley snow

Wed, 2012-03-21 19:34

wesley snow's picture
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... I don't know if the formatting trick hurled anything productive, but I have a VERY warm place in my heart for a truly experimental poet. I love coming.............................................................upon something so different it makes me twist my head in wonder.
Here's the weird part.............................................I truly like the poem. Even without dots.
You have a curious mind that bears watching.
wesley

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Starlight

Wed, 2012-03-21 19:37

Starlight's picture

for me just served as a kind of negative warning.... a pessimistic "don't follow your dreams" message. a bit depressing but sometimes life is like that. thanks for stopping bye

author comment

loved

Thu, 2012-03-22 00:38

loved's picture

swaying ..................................................................upon
the shadow
of this moon.
the silhouettes
reflect ......................................................................two
as one.
our .......................................................................... stars
are fading with
the peak of a horizon.
for you................................................................... were
just sand
erased by the wind.
nothing left
but the .................................................................. screams
that echo into forever.

loved

loved

Thu, 2012-03-22 00:50

loved's picture

The pessimism

distraught minds
two in one
should upon each others shoulders display,
some sense of consolation
and
not only sadism relay
Positivity ought to be the aim
Of lovers two,
how I wish
this new ones knew

loved

Starlight

Thu, 2012-03-22 07:06

Starlight's picture

thanks for commenting and i will fix my spacing when i go to edit later. For it looks much better that way. thank you! :)

author comment

loved

Thu, 2012-03-22 07:22

loved's picture

We are all here to learn
and share
what little we can
and u dear girl are wonderfullllllllllll

loved

Rainy Day

Thu, 2012-03-22 03:12

Rainy Day's picture

I love the originality and wording of the poem. The spacing caught my eye. Love the creativity

Starlight

Thu, 2012-03-22 07:05

Starlight's picture

i love writing in this form. It is like my home but i need to push the boundires a bit and not play it so safe :) thanks for commenting!

author comment

Ian.T

Thu, 2012-03-22 03:29

Ian.T's picture
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As Wesley said a change from the normal and very likeable, one thing I would have liked to see was that the words in the right making a vertical statement, then you would have been cooking on Gas.
Otherwise great writing, we will have to wait to see what our Jess thinks of this style ????
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Starlight

Thu, 2012-03-22 07:04

Starlight's picture

i was debating whether or not to write the way i usually do. Changing it up would be nice for me, i'm limiting my writing. i am just stuck on the form :) and i doubt Jess will like this one too much, it is very rough and i'm planning on making some changes. The more i read it the more the improvements that could be made are visible. thank you for reading and commenting :)

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Starlight

Thu, 2012-03-22 16:19

Starlight's picture

thanks Lon. always great to here from you! and thank you so much!

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Eduardo Cruz

Thu, 2012-03-22 16:49

Eduardo Cruz's picture

you are killing me here with this beatiful poem of lost soul in a relation that was doomed to fail from the start.
i love this stanza it reflexes the whole complextion of the poem.

"for you....................................................................were
just sand
erased by the wind"

Eddie
...

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

Starlight

Thu, 2012-03-22 17:00

Starlight's picture

your quite good yourself! thanks for reading

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