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the seconds counted in a minute / let me enfold you

Submitted by dirtdocs on Wed, 2024-01-24 17:57

writhing and gasping under the weight of two hands, rocking
back "one" forth "two", back "one"
and forth "two"
mama, i need you to know i’m sorry for
who i see looking back at me
i need you to see my own two hands come up grasping and heaving and
rubbing and kneading for breath,
reworking feeling to my red-stained face
only the corners of its eyes stained brown,
a kiss hello and goodbye from each tear to have
streamed down my chin
in cascades or in bursting pipes

a man my grandfather’s age is in me
just as much as is a crying child my brother’s age,
blubbering and wailing,
like an old man has long forgotten how to

these hands
have done so much for me
scooping and carving, like the flesh of a grapefruit left in the sun
or a sculptor’s clay
like chisels and picks and scalpels taken to my face
like curvature needing to be reshaped
hungry hands, hungry work

and i’m so sorry, mama
i’m holding a crying child in my arms
back "one" and forth "two" i rock, arms tight and enfolded around
every fractured bone, every cracked rib, every bit of
charred and calloused and guilted shame
burning a hot white rod through the
tangled cradle of my body
i let it enfold me
i let its scalding hands take the wind i breathe from my lungs in
a tightly-clasped fist, a punch to the chest
(i know the corners of my eyes will have browned by morning)
there is no sound in return
but a hitched breath, "three"
and life caught within itself

Style / type: 
Free verse
Last few words: 
this isnt very traditional, i know it wont appeal or make sense to everyone and thats alright ^_^ this was written entirely as emotional expression and confession
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Thu, 2024-01-25 00:00

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem is rich in vivid imagery and metaphors, which effectively convey a sense of struggle and introspection. The repetition of "back 'one' and forth 'two'" creates a rhythmic pattern that mimics the rocking motion described, enhancing the reader's immersion in the poem.

However, the poem could benefit from a clearer narrative or thematic structure. While the emotional intensity is palpable, the lack of a clear through-line or central idea may leave readers feeling unanchored. The poem could be improved by refining its focus and ensuring that each image and metaphor contributes to a coherent overall message or theme.

Additionally, the poem's language is often dense and complex, which may obscure its meaning. While this style can create a rich, layered reading experience, it may also be confusing or off-putting for some readers. Simplifying the language or providing more context could make the poem more accessible without sacrificing its depth.

The poem also uses a lot of abstract concepts, such as "guilted shame" and "life caught within itself". While these phrases are evocative, they could be more impactful if they were grounded in concrete images or experiences. This would allow readers to more fully grasp and connect with the emotions the poem is trying to convey.

Lastly, the poem's punctuation and line breaks could be used more effectively to guide the reader's pace and emphasis. For example, the lack of punctuation in some lines can make them difficult to parse, while the line breaks sometimes disrupt the flow of the poem. Experimenting with different punctuation and line break strategies could enhance the poem's readability and rhythm.

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