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'Scream', Said Poetry
I said to poetry,
I don’t want a diary.
It wasn’t tears on that prairie,
It was– That lie holds no chivalry!
The lies are simply cowardly.
I never laid claim to gallantry,
I will not recreate history.
Tell me of this antipathy,
It said back to me insistently.
I was nine years and willowy,
He was an adolescent and wily.
Naiveté, I wore so blissfully
While he masked his predatory grin diligently.
I said to poetry–
What is it to you, this asininity?
Go on, why stop so abruptly?
I resolved to finish hurriedly.
He was– He was family…
He ran long fingers over my skin, purposefully
He took my shivering hands callously
Those eyes stared at me with vicious intensity
Some days I feel his weight on me crushingly,
By the time I knew to scream fearfully
Socks were crammed into my mouth efficiently
He had claimed me rather forcefully
And slid into me without exigency.
No one freed me from his tyranny.
I make light horrors and write so listlessly.
Pain so ordinary in calligraphy.
My penance for naivety.
I said to poetry.
I seek resiliency.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Sparrow
Wed, 2016-11-30 18:49
Tee
In this piece I feel that the talk between you and the poetry becomes obsolete, as you are writing a story that is expressed as poetry.
You can take this one and put it on a word page and start at the top work your way down and see which line you would change or leave out.
Then make it into stanzas with a rhythm, the story wont lose any of its effect, and it will become good poetry.
If I have time tomorrow or before the weekend I will see if I can edit it as I have suggested to you.
Other critique may say just leave as is and tidy a few things but it is another way of writing.
It is good and the theme is one I have heard before as a truth and these themes are hard to pass over as the feelings are laid bare.
We can talk later as the other comments arrive,
Yours as always Ian..
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
themoonman
Wed, 2016-11-30 20:53
Hi Tee,
Yes, I'll have to agree with Ian, less is
more. Also, the repetitive "I said to poetry"
becomes redundant instead of effective,
for me at least.
It is a good theme, one most of us have
written about (poetry that is).
I want to let you know that we are only
making suggestions ...
Richard
Timbo
Thu, 2016-12-01 06:10
hi
Hi Tee,
Interesting poem, you certainly have an individual way of writing.
The best advice I can give is to listen to Ian above, as all he wants to do is encourage you so you get better.
Above all , keep writing and never allow yourself to be discouraged.
Well done for joining this site, it will help you.
best wishes,
Tim
weirdelf
Sat, 2016-12-31 11:08
This fucking poem screamed repressed pain at me.
The insistent, trivialising rhyme in the face of such horror. I didn't know at first if it was denial or a savage juxtaposition.
A very brave write. I suspect that the people who responded before me were repressing the feelings this poem evoked quite ruthlessly, by the stratagem of the persistent format.
Oh yes, very effective. You scared the shit out of everyone.
I don't recommend using the same technique again. Once was enough for my delicate sensibilities.
There would be no point critiquing nuances of meter and rhyme. I think it was very successful.
Oh, and yes, I got raped by a cousin too.
cheers,
Jess
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