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A Quatern.. When Summer Dies
When Summer dies as Fall's endorsed
the greenness fades away-expires
no color paints nor bird upsoars
as coldness creeps and warmth retires.
The leaves ignore the blissful life,
when Summer dies as Fall's endorsed.
While blown, each leaf enfolds a strife
to tell a life it oft adores.
The beasts in peace shall sleep with snores,
awaiting Spring to warm again
when Summer dies as Fall's endorsed,
the creatures have a little gain.
But oceans, seas, and lakes survive,
infusing life with more than shores
to keep the earth awhile revive,
when Summer dies as Fall's endorsed.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
Workshop:
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Comments
Rula
Wed, 2012-10-31 14:41
Dear Judy
I have parsed the piece just as a practice .
When Summ||er dies|| to Fall ||endorse||
the green||ess pass||es 'way ||, expires|
no col||or paints|| nor bird|| upsores
as cold||ness creeps|| and warmth||retires||.
The leaves|| ignore|| the bliss||ful life||,
when Summ||er dies|| to Fall|| endorse.
While blown||, each leaf 's|| a strife||
to tell ||a life|| it oft|| adores||.
The beasts|| in peace| |shall sleep ||with snores,
Await||ing Spring|| to warm| again||
when Summ||er dies|| for Falls|| endorse||,
the crea||tures have| a litt||le gain||.
But o||ceans, seas||, and lakes|| survive,||
infus|ing life|| with more|| than shores||
to keep||the earth|| awhile|| revive||,
when Summ||er dies|| to Fall ||endorse.||
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judyanne
Wed, 2012-10-31 19:20
‘when Summer dies to Fall
‘when Summer dies to Fall endorse’
'endorse', to my knowledge of the word, doesn't really fit in this context rula
perhaps something like
‘when Summer dies to Fall’s soft force’
‘the greenness passes 'way , expires’ – I will start calling this lazy – it really doesn’t work (for me anyway) some other shortenings are fine – but not ‘away’ – at least not in the middle of a verse – maybe at the beginning…
maybe something like
'the greenness - leaves and grass - expires'
and iambic out in one line only, as far as I see - well done
‘While blown, | each leaf | has a | strife’
i’ll leaf (lol) you to work on it
spell check - 'bird upsores' - 'up soars'
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Rula
Thu, 2012-11-01 11:52
Dear Judy
endores: though I am using it for the first time, I checked the meaning. One of the meanings was :-"Sign as evidence of legal transfer"
May be we can have other opinions if you don't mind it dear Judy.:) I know you don't
Any other changes depend on this one . It is almost the key. I spend a few hours changing this morning and unfortunately for the worst.:(
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Ross Hamilton Hill
Wed, 2012-10-31 19:01
Hi Rula
up soars (I looked this up as sometimes words change spelling, sore can describe the reddish brown plumage a young eagle acquires so maybe I'm wrong?)
I thought 'snores' sounded funny and wasn't intended to.
S3 typo Falls
Using any archaic terms like 'twas' 'tis, 'way immediately dates verse, really should be a last resort.
I liked this, very assured technically, and a pleasure to read.
best wishes
ross
Rula
Thu, 2012-11-01 11:57
Hi Ross
and many thanks for giving the time.
It should have been Upsoars and according to my mentor Mr. Wesley, it is like upsoars one word. Maybe archaic I am not sure . It is my fault . I spelled it wrongly.
I shall look over snores again if you say it is not suitable after deciding the key word.
and as I promised , I shall minimize the use of the abbreviated words
Your reading and commenting is really appreciated. Regards.
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judyanne
Thu, 2012-11-01 03:29
Fall up shows – no rula-
Fall up shows
life down slows,
– no rula-
it is awful English, you cannot get away with reverse syntax here
- as you have thrown away the rhyme, why not just say 'as fall shows up' and ' life slows down'?
and why did you change it all anyway? it was fine before – you’ve thrown out really good stuff
sorry – what you have now isn’t as good as what you had to start – all imo of course
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Rula
Thu, 2012-11-01 12:02
I think
You have to blame our dear Wesley . I know he didn't approve my changes but he never punished me for inverted syntax. Different schools perhaps?!
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Rula
Thu, 2012-11-01 03:40
I know You don't like inversion
and
" Fall shows up"
"slows down "
is what I like too but then the rhyme , I need then to change many lines unless it is ok to sacrifice the rhyme scheme.
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judyanne
Thu, 2012-11-01 03:50
i don't mind inversion
in it's place - but there are some that you just can't do - that simply become bad grammar
and you have already messed with the rhyme you had - it no longer rhymes throughout
however you can always write it in blank verse - there is no set rule for the rhyme scheme of the quatern
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Rula
Thu, 2012-11-01 03:50
i can't see
where i have thrown the rhyme judy
Seems it is not my day:)
I thought you said that endorse is not acceptable in this text so I thought I have changed to something more acceptable.
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judyanne
Thu, 2012-11-01 03:54
don't stress over it
soars, pause, shores, do not rhyme with shows
clears doesn’t rhyme with creeps
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Rula
Thu, 2012-11-01 03:59
but at least near rhymes I believe
but at least near rhymes
Now what?
Back to endores if I want to keep the rhyme scheme at least to some certain limit.
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judyanne
Thu, 2012-11-01 05:01
re-read my first comment
you only had a few things to fix - and there were solutions without changing the whole poem
:)
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Rula
Thu, 2012-11-01 12:14
Dearest Judy
May be I have rushed the changes a bit. I didn't give enough thought. I love your suggestions of course, I trust your taste and knowladge but my problem is that I still like to keep it "RULANIAN" stubbornness??Is is?Not quite sure what to call it :)
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judyanne
Thu, 2012-11-01 21:14
i didn't mean to use my ideas
i simply meant that you only had two verses to work on, and there are other solutions to those verses
- you didn't need change the whole poem :)
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Esker
Thu, 2012-11-01 08:21
I like this poem
"up soars"
and the rest.. takes originality to write like this
and bravado
makes my mind bend
which is great
so I enjoyed reading this
because it does veer away from
conventional as it does
but for a work
for something different
it works for this old poet
and lets face it
in the fall up here in our north
there are great winds
that break things
Up soars
oh yes many things do
thank You
judyanne
Thu, 2012-11-01 08:25
lol
don't think that that means i didn't like 'up soars rula' - i do
but i loved the write better as you first had it
you did what jess warns you against
you threw out some of the baby with the bathwater :)
xxxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Rula
Thu, 2012-11-01 12:09
Esker
I am SPEECHLESS in front of your words. It is not that I don't appreciate everyone's else comments and suggestions but may be your words came in the right time to give me a needed boost.
If you have time I would appreciate to have your opinion concerning the first version , Which one do you think works better ?
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Ross Hamilton Hill
Fri, 2012-11-02 17:08
like this
i hate to throw a spanner in the works but I liked' Fall endorse', it suggests Summer recommends Autumn to us , its pure poetic licence but isn't that what we're into here. This version seems to have a changing rhyme scheme which is also intriguing although i think the near rhymes of enclose/upsoars etc is stretching the sonics.
Rula
Sat, 2012-11-03 08:57
Ross
Thanks for the second read. You must know your suggestions and comments are always highly valued.
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judyanne
Fri, 2012-11-02 21:17
rula – put back the original
rula – put back the original hon
but just change it a little to
When Summer dies and (or ‘as’) Fall’s endorsed
and then add a foot to 'while blown | each leaf 's | a strife'
- maybe do something about ' 'way '
and you will be fine
it is a beautiful poem
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Rula
Sat, 2012-11-03 08:55
Thanks dear Judy for the
Thanks dear Judy for the suggestions and the time .Appreciated.
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judyanne
Sat, 2012-11-03 12:08
One last tiny thing
'Fall' - needs to be 'Fall's' as in 'Fall is' for the line to make proper sense
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)