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Out of My Zone
How dare you break my heart so hard and go!
You've tugged my eyes with tears of pain, and woe.
My lips have almost dried, no joys to wet.
No music, only tears and much regret.
I thought that love is more than words-it's deeds.
The golden touch to satisfy our needs.
intriguing will to ease what troubles, mess,
to work together, help, ingrain and bless.
But yours becomes a blade to cut my heart.
a grief where shedding tears becomes the art.
Your love becomes just words to tease, not please,
so let me elsewhere-where, true love shan't cease.
You're now a ghastly thought that casts no spark.
A thought, I doubt shall light my days when dark.
Style / type:
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
scribbler
Mon, 2012-09-24 22:01
Hi Rula
One of these days I'll get to where I can write a sonnet this well. Only Then would I feel qualified to give suggestions. Well done...............stan
Rula
Wed, 2012-09-26 01:10
Thanks stan
I am happy to hear that you like it and still looking forward for any suggestions.
Jess promised the other day to make a work shop about building a true sonnet so I am waiting impatiently to see that work shop coming soon.
Thanks for your nice words . .
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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Nordic cloud
Wed, 2012-09-26 03:58
I enjoyed reading this
This poem flowed off the tongue,
read in the mind like music,
beautifully written Rula
In a way the a in appease could be there
and the and dropped perhaps? That was
the only bit that caught my attention on the
second read.
I enjoyed reading this. L Ann.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
Rula
Wed, 2012-09-26 09:23
Thanks Anna
Happy to see you on board. Thanks for reading
and leaving such a nice comment. It really means a lot.
I still think the 'a' in appease would make and extra syllable , that's why.
But I do really appreciate it .
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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Nordic cloud
Wed, 2012-09-26 11:40
Not rhythm-wise
If you dropped the AND after the appease?
Thank you Rula, I will do my best, not living in here,
must get on with some things I am doing too!
Nice to hear from you, L Ann.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
weirdelf
Wed, 2012-09-26 07:20
Remember our discussion of "decoration?
Writing a poem in italics serves no good purpose. It is distracting and hard to read.
This poem is self-pitying, sentimentalised and way less than your best work.
Yet I do feel your pain.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Rula
Wed, 2012-09-26 09:18
Jess
I really thought this is one of my best- at least on the level of the sonnets. remember what you read lately was your preference (freeform) May be that's why . If this is not the reason what makes you think so and do you have any suggestions to improve?
Italics removed.
Thanks for dropping by and leaving a comment So happy to see you back.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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weirdelf
Wed, 2012-09-26 10:08
It's just a love poem,
and presents no remarkable, memorable ideas.
Well written and effective, but not up to the standards required.
Take my comment with a few grains of salt. I hate love poems, they almost never have anything new to offer.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Rula
Wed, 2012-09-26 10:30
May be because
it is all fiction :) But what I care for is the form of the sonnet it self. It is still a challenging form and the stressed /unstressed is still a big problem for me as it is not the case in my mother tongue . I am looking forward to having the work-shop you promised to put us on.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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weirdelf
Sat, 2012-09-29 09:08
look to Judy for an upcoming workshop
on strict poetic forms. It will include sonnets.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
Rula
Mon, 2012-10-01 05:05
Can't wait to start
Thanks for both of you for your continuous efforts.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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judyanne
Wed, 2012-09-26 09:33
dearest rula
firstly – just a couple of problems with form
‘An 'ntriguing will to ease what troubles, mess
to work together, help, 'ppease and impress’
- shorteming words like this doesn’t really work (imo) in today’s age… I don’t think you would’ve found this type of shortening in older days either – but I may be wrong
- but it does give the impression (to me) when reading it that you were having trouble with the iambic
anyway, the second line’s iambic is out the way you have it
to WORK toGETHer, HELP, ‘PPEASE and imPRESS’
I would suggest
‘‘intriguing will to ease what troubles, mess
to work together, help, appease, impress’
and
‘so let | me else | where, true | love shan’t | cease’ – an iamb short
‘so let me elsewhere-where, true love shall not cease’ ?
a great attempt at a sonnet, and well done also with the volta
but lacking something rula – I’m not sure what… maybe it is not ‘new’ enough.
great rhyme
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Rula
Wed, 2012-09-26 11:03
Thank you dearest Judy
I admit that the shortening most of the times comes as a result of lacking the right word with the right syllable count.
I like how you've solved the first problem but as for the second line with one syllable short I think I am doing it already the way you've suggested but thanks anyway.
Happy I succeeded with the volta this time . It is a big achievement for me .
Thanks for giving the time and the effort. Always highly appreciated.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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judyanne
Wed, 2012-09-26 11:52
yes, sorry rula
'so let me elsewhere-where, true love shan't cease' - lol i missed the double up on the word 'where'
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Rula
Thu, 2012-09-27 11:31
kelsey
Thanks for your views. Very helpful indeed. I am working on another sonnet , hope it has the imagry that the reader wishes to see. I'll also look into those poems you mentioned.
Really appreciated.
Many thanks
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wesley snow
Wed, 2012-09-26 20:14
Hello dear.
You've more than enough suggestions from good corners to need me this time, so I will simply enjoy the poem. You are a very different poet than you were as little as a year ago. The problems you are struggling with would have left old Rula scratching her head unable to go on. I mentioned a little bit ago that your language skills have taken a quantum leap and this is simply another example. What was so hard for you previously is now simple and you are delving into content instead of fighting with the form.
I am very proud of you Rula.
wesley
W. H. Snow
A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley
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Rula
Thu, 2012-09-27 12:35
Hello sir!
You're absolutely right. Great reviews from everyone here. A great group of friends with great suggestions always.
As I said earlier and always it is some of a lot you've taught. What ever I say , I will be always short with words.
Thanks for your supportive words.You make me feel proud as well.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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Ian.T
Fri, 2012-09-28 04:22
Rula
As Wesley said what more can we say, so I just enjoyed the read,
Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
Rula
Mon, 2012-10-01 05:07
Thanks dear Ian
Happy you've enjoyed this one. Thanks for the nice comment.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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Nordic cloud
Tue, 2012-10-09 03:12
"to work together, help, ingrain the bless."
the bless...
That bothers me, the meaning,
it would make more sense to me as ...and bless,
but then I may have tripped on meanings,
you know your own.
This one one can dance to,
the band playing a well known tune,
the sad reality revealed through your poem.
Just came by Rula, love Ann.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
Rula
Tue, 2012-10-09 12:02
Ann
I really appreciate your second visit and thoughts. I took it into consideration for a better read.
Thanks again.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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