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One Golden Horse

Submitted by Mary Beth Magee on Thu, 2024-05-02 09:57

Scarlet saddle blanket rests soft and plush,
‘Neath leather saddle trimmed with silver, lush.
One golden horse, with flowing cloud-white mane.
Provides a perfect throne for a temporary queen.

And thus, an earth-bound woman can be freed
From gravity’s demand, to fly on such a steed.
I feel muscles, piston-like, expand and contract
Beneath me as we exercise our mystic pact.

For just a moment, we two distinct creatures
Meld to form a single being, strong and sure.
Horse and rider, gliding, flying – one.
As fast as the wind, and bright as any sun,

Too soon the magic ended – we had to part.
No distance can remove you from my heart,
As memory permits me to return.
For golden days, one golden horse, I yearn.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft
Contest: 
Neopoet Weekly Contest 04/28/24 to 05/04/24
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Thu, 2024-05-02 16:00

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem demonstrates a strong grasp of rhythm and rhyme, creating a musical quality that enhances the narrative. The use of vivid imagery, such as "One golden horse, with flowing cloud-white mane" and "Scarlet saddle blanket rests soft and plush," effectively paints a picture in the reader's mind, immersing them in the scene.

The poem could benefit from a more consistent meter. While most of the poem adheres to an iambic tetrameter, there are lines that deviate from this pattern, such as "Beneath me as we exercise our mystic pact." This inconsistency can disrupt the flow of the poem.

The metaphor of the horse and rider becoming one is a powerful image that could be further explored. The poem could delve deeper into the emotional and psychological aspects of this connection to add more depth to the narrative.

The use of the word "temporary" in "Provides a perfect throne for a temporary queen" seems to contradict the later sentiment of yearning for the golden horse. If the rider's status as a queen is only temporary, it may be worth exploring why the longing for the horse persists.

The poem's ending is poignant and leaves a lasting impression. However, the phrase "golden days" is somewhat clichéd. Consider using more original language to convey the nostalgia and longing the speaker feels.

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