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The Night Sun

Submitted by Mr joghe on Tue, 2024-07-30 03:06

We are on the verge of pain
Since we had followed our greed
To the corner of their mouths
Where lies live
With the coloured papers our fathers were sold
To the anthill of the savanna.

Under the sun, we spread their names on the walls
To convince our brothers and sisters
With the sweet words of their mouths.

Under the rain, we danced to their music
When the trumpeters called out our mothers
To the villages’ square
To sweep the market places with their voices and feet.

We are on the verge of pain
When we saw what they bit
Was more than what they could chew
To oil the forests
And grease the walls.

We have gone around the bend
Because they had turned our faces to the night sun.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
Neopoet Weekly 07/28/24 TO 08/03/24
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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neopoet

Tue, 2024-07-30 09:10

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "The Night Sun" delves into themes of greed, deception, and the consequences of following false promises. The imagery of colored papers, lies, and manipulation is vivid and evocative. The repetition of phrases like "we are on the verge of pain" and "under the sun, under the rain" adds a sense of urgency and cyclical nature to the poem.

One suggestion for improvement would be to consider varying the structure or form of the poem to enhance its impact. Experimenting with stanza breaks, line lengths, or rhyme schemes could help create a more dynamic flow and emphasize key moments in the narrative.

Additionally, while the imagery is powerful, some of the metaphors and symbols used in the poem could be further developed or clarified to deepen their significance. Providing more context or detail around concepts like the "night sun" or the actions of the characters could help strengthen the overall message of the poem.

Overall, "The Night Sun" shows promise in its exploration of complex themes

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