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Nature's Eternal Struggle

Submitted by Bookdragon on Fri, 2018-08-31 11:56

Lilting, harmonic
A light tune plays near
Tilting, demonic
The chords twist, shatter my ear

Two sides of the same coin
Fire battles frost
They turn, fuse and join
One defeats the other, and lost

Which will prevail?
Light, or shadows?
Like metal without the nail
Like grass without the meadows

A neverending circuit
A sphere without edges
Emerald bushes were cut
By the gardener, the hedges

One burns, the other cools
What is a hero without a villain?
As useful as a plumber without tools
As perfect as a circle in a square fill-in

A constant battle, an eternal struggle
A gymnast's perfect balance
A toddler learning to juggle
Nature’s immortal dance.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I wrote this late at night last night, so I don't know how this will play out. Enjoy!
Editing stage: 
Editing - draft

Comments

raj

Fri, 2018-08-31 14:04

Each stanza is pretty well balanced like a ballerina's toes...the poem creates images and sounds due to what apparently is your prowess with words and vision....so many wonderful lines making it hard to pick a few....a pleasure read for sure...
....................................................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

Bookdragon

Fri, 2018-08-31 15:29

Hi raj! Thank you so much for your comment. It really made my day.

All the best and happy writing,
Bookdragon

And I know from that Elysian freight
She will brave but once more the Atlantic weather,
When dory and fisherman sail by fate
To seek for the Happy Isles together.
-Robert Frost

author comment

Eumolpus

Fri, 2018-08-31 20:13

Eumolpus's picture

I think I understand what you are trying to say, the title sets the stage. There are some interesting images, but stanza by stanza I have too many distractions:
stanza 1- the light soft tune is suddenly demonic and the cords (chords?) break your ear.(?)
Stanza 3- metal without nail does not seem to follow light without shadow...
Stanza 4 - I just can't piece together the images...
Stanza 5- not sure what the hot ice means, in connection to chilbain, (a skin disease?)
Stanza 6- it seems like what the poem is reaching for is to express that nature's forces struggle towards some type of perfection. But I don't know what that is...it it the balance?

A toddler learning to juggle
Nature’s immortal dance.

Juggle is the verb here, the action. I can't see the image of juggling a dance.

Poems trying to find a poetic truth in a metaphysical concept is the hardest to pull off. You are only present in the poem in one stanza. Perhaps if you put yourself more into it the clarity might bloom a bit more for this reader.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Bookdragon

Fri, 2018-08-31 20:52

Thank you for all the feedback! I get what you're trying to say, and I'll try to edit it. Most of the verses were me trying to get the poem to rhyme, so I'm sorry if they don't make sense! In the last stanza I feel you may have gotten misdirected, but that was my fault. I meant it to be like 'A toddler learning to juggle' and 'Nature's immortal dance' was meant to be a completely separate thing. Not a toddler juggling a dance. Again, I view that as my fault. Thank you for bringing these issues to my attention!

All the best and happy writing,
Bookdragon

And I know from that Elysian freight
She will brave but once more the Atlantic weather,
When dory and fisherman sail by fate
To seek for the Happy Isles together.
-Robert Frost

author comment

Sparrow

Sat, 2018-09-01 18:18

Sparrow's picture
Volunteer badge

Your write is very good and you will have a good following here.
Welcome to Neopoet here you will find many differing ways of writing but if you check some of the workshops you will be able to expand your poetic forms.
Have a great time here with us,
Yours Ian ..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

Bookdragon

Sat, 2018-09-01 20:00

Thank you so much for the kind words. I'll be sure to check out the workshops! I'm so proud to be a part of this community.

All the best and happy writing,
Bookdragon

And I know from that Elysian freight
She will brave but once more the Atlantic weather,
When dory and fisherman sail by fate
To seek for the Happy Isles together.
-Robert Frost

author comment
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