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My Sunshine

Submitted by Jackweb on Wed, 2022-03-30 02:19

You are the light of my life
I'm exempted from dark
I'm no longer entangle in rife
when things are odd they are stark

you are my daily sunshine
I now swim under your shade
your reflection is my prime
for you reflect above the forest glade

You are the light of my energy
I'm firmly dwelling well in your arms
your bulk of love is like bioenergy
you're truly a life giver when hope slams

you are the fabulous sunshine over me
I have stepped into your domain of love
your effulgent reflection puts me in glee
now I'm totally adorned from earth to above

©® Onyinyechi Cosmos Etu

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Candlewitch

Wed, 2022-03-30 07:14

Candlewitch's picture
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first section fourth line
when things are odd they (are) stark
S2 L3 your reflection(s) is my prime lose the (s)
S4 L3 your effulgent reflection makes me glee try
your effulgent reflection (puts) me (in) glee
it is an uplifting poem, Jack :) I liked your title and your language usage. the flow was good and carried the poem right along. I enjoyed it very much.

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Jackweb

Wed, 2022-03-30 09:21

Jackweb's picture

You are far from me, I would have serve you a sparkling white wine! Just to say, thank you so much for the feed back!
it's only correction and direction can help a writer.

Much love!!!

"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".

~Jackweb

author comment

Jackweb

Thu, 2022-03-31 11:49

Jackweb's picture

Thank you so much Mark for having time to read through. All your commentaries makes me feel excited.

"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".

~Jackweb

author comment

Ray Whitaker

Thu, 2022-03-31 21:29

Ray Whitaker's picture

I like the direction you have taken , the acknowledgement of love. It is worthy of writing about, for sure. That has driven many of my pieces, and I applaud your choice to topic..

Having said that, I would definitely work on the rhymes. Several seem forced, and perhaps the revision of those is in order? I would read this out loud to yourself, and if your sense of some of the rhymes triggers a revision, I would listen to that.

Looking forward to reading your revisions!

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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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Jackweb

Fri, 2022-04-01 05:54

Jackweb's picture

Thank you very much Ray! sure, I will definitely find it out and fix it

"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".

~Jackweb

author comment

Jackweb

Fri, 2022-04-01 05:56

Jackweb's picture

Ray perhaps you may pin point those forced rhymes please if you don't mind. Thanks

"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".

~Jackweb

author comment

Ray Whitaker

Fri, 2022-04-01 10:09

Ray Whitaker's picture

s1: life/rife
S3: all

reading this out loud in english may assist you in selecting.

Did you write this in another language? I have heard that sometimes the translations do not do rhymes justice. For example, English to American English sometimes conflicts….

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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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Jackweb

Fri, 2022-04-01 14:48

Jackweb's picture

it's complexity demands deeper understanding of the syntax, the vowel sounds etc... but life and rife do rhyme? I argue this one!

arms and slams? but I see rhyme here! Then, energy and bioenergy I can say is just the same repetition...

Thanks Ray for your intelligent critique !

"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".

~Jackweb

author comment

Candlewitch

Fri, 2022-04-01 14:50

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rife and strife do rhyme but not arms and slams.

*hugs, Cat

*
When someone reads your work
And responds, please be courteous
And reply in kind, thanks.

Ray Whitaker

Fri, 2022-04-01 16:37

Ray Whitaker's picture

in the piece we posted here on Neo.

I am usually reluctant to suggest things, however sometimes it all comes out anyway. I never mean to offend.

Life and rife don't seem to fit [to me] with the context of the stanza. This is what I meant by the rhyme might seem a bit forced.

Your stanza:
You are the light of my life
I'm exempted from dark
I'm no longer entangle in rife
when things are odd they are stark

Since she is the light of your life, there is such beauty of that phrase, and being exempted from dark is also fitting in with that. It is only my opinion, that the last two lines here are headed in a very different direction than the first two. Hence the rhyming is also headed that way, just my opinion. Indeed you are correct that these do rhyme.

My suggestion is to take the stanza in the original direction it is going in.... something like this:

You are the light of my life
because of you I see things much more clearly
immersed with you now there is no more strife
here all is lit so much more brightly.

Course, this is your poem, and my suggestions are only suggestions.... As I said it before, it's a nice piece whichever way you take it.

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Raywhitakerblog.wordpress.com
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Jackweb

Sat, 2022-04-02 02:01

Jackweb's picture

Cat, thanks a lot for your input and Mr. Ray, like I do say sir, I prefer critique than apprasail. So, i'm in no way offended. You have made an excellent critique about the stanzas. It will makes me look more deeper than meets the eye. I like your suggestions.

Thank you very much for taking time to review.

"By virtue of creativity, my literary genre is poetry".

~Jackweb

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