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From A Mother's Diary
She'd hush the howling
moon and the exploded
cocoons for the sake
of her sick toddler;
she hummed lullabies,
sometimes for long hours
for the baby to sleep,
now she too needs a rest.
Yeah! She'd finally
get a few minutes
before the sick baby's
up again.
Dragging her legs
to the living room
she let her dreams drown
in the brown leather couch.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
alidzain
Thu, 2016-04-07 19:16
Salam, Rula
very clear imagery. I always wonder where mums got the strength to care for their babies at night.
Alid
Rula
Fri, 2016-04-08 02:54
Thank you Khalid
May God always help all the moms. It's never easy to be a mother.
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Keith Logan
Thu, 2016-04-07 21:07
Fathers...
may also play their part. A baby does not have to be ill to keep it's parents up. I know I used to do much of the night shift to allow my wife some time to breath easily. Having said that, I like what you have written. One slight nit,
she'd allow her dreams to drown
or
She'd let her dreams drown
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
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Rula
Fri, 2016-04-08 03:08
thank you Keith
For the visit. I think this has to do with the Arab culture. During the first early years of the kid's life 90% of the burden lies on the mother's shoulder especially if she's a house-wife. Hence come my words.
Saying so, I still appreciate each father.
Thank you
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eightmenout
Thu, 2016-04-07 23:52
Dearest Rula
Great theme. Although, as a father, I agree with Mr Logan.
As for the poetry, S1 fails in logic. Neither the moon nor a cocoon make noise. The meter is inconsistent and I think it could be more concise and benefit from some interior rhyme.
As always, this is just muy humble opinion. Please correct me where I'm wrong.
Thanks for posting
Scott
Rula
Fri, 2016-04-08 03:16
Thank you Scott
Let's take them one by one. It's not that I don't agree with you, but the exageration is intended in the 1st Stanza.
I need your honest opinion if such exageration works.
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eightmenout
Fri, 2016-04-08 04:56
Dearest Rula
It would if you animate them (ex. Howling moon and exploding cocoon)
Scott
Rula
Fri, 2016-04-08 09:01
Thanks again Scott
I did the edits implementating the suggestions.
I also did some major edits concerning the rhythm though I read once that a rough rhythm would perfectly suit such a poem, as it describes the tired mom. But I also trust your poetic knowledge and appreciate your honesty.
Hope it reads better now.
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eightmenout
Fri, 2016-04-08 09:28
Dearest Rula
To me this is much better, but still has a coupe items to address.
Dragging and tired are redundant. I think you can replace tired with a different word.
And now to the big one (I'm not as tired as I was last night) she threw herself into her dreams, but only got five minutes. This is another break in logic as she would not have made it to the dream state. I don't believe this is all that bad, though. Perhaps she throws herself to her dreams and maybe even misses the brown couch
Humbly
Scott
Rula
Fri, 2016-04-08 09:53
seems like
I really need a rest today Lol
How about alternating the last two stanzas?
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eightmenout
Fri, 2016-04-08 10:48
No ma'am. I think it reads
No ma'am. I think it reads well now
Scott
Rula
Fri, 2016-04-08 10:51
please Scott
Just call me Rula! Thank you for the great suggestions! You must know I highly appreciate them.
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raj
Fri, 2016-04-08 14:00
Good theme...i liked it...
Good theme...i liked it...
Regards.
raj (sublime_ocean)
Rula
Sat, 2016-04-09 15:23
Thank you raj
Appreciate your comment
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